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Brian Williams, pondering more lies to tell.

This week, NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams was blasted in the media for lying about having been in a helicopter hit by a grenade while reporting on the war in Iraq. Because of this transgression, Williams’ entire tenure in the public eye is now under intense scrutiny. Here are just a few of the other allegedly false claims made by Williams:

  • Despite his unwillingness to talk details, claims he was a passenger on the missing Malaysian Airlines Flight 370
  • Claims his nickname is “Switchblade” Williams, but no one has ever heard anyone refer to him in this way besides Williams himself
  • Insists he has his own line of Jumpman sneakers debuting in Fall 2015
  • Says he is fine with seeing his daughter’s asshole eaten out on national television but come on — that’s your daughter, dog
  • In 1995, he wrote in the annual Williams Christmas Letter than he and his wife had a wonderful vacation in Cancun; they actually went to Tijuana and he got the shits immediately upon arrival
  • Claims he’s seen Godfather II but when pressed about his favorite scenes, he looks at your plate and goes “Whoa! Eatin’ hummus!”
  • Denies he is actually 4’ 9" despite leaked credit card statements showing he spent $39,000 on drywall stilts in 2014
  • Says he’s got the “sweetest pussy in town”
  • Says Tina Fey calls him all the time for help with jokes and funniness and also just to hang out
  • Claims he built a real-life Pinocchio boy but can’t show anyone yet
  • Tries to act like he smokes
  • Claims to have visited Jurassic Park
  • Has told anyone who will listen that at the end of Lost In Translation, Bill Murray whispers into Scarlet Johannson’s ear, “Brian Williams is America’s most trusted news source”
  • Has at least admitted that he’s actually three Korean children in a business suit
  • We’re starting to think that maybe he didn’t even really do all those raps that the Jimmy Fallon show said he did
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