Huh. Guess now I know why Chris Rock, Matt LeBlanc, male model Sean O’Pry, Uzo Aduba, Kobe Bryant, and Mary J. Blige all couldn’t make it out for my birthday this weekend!

They told me they were sick, which, once I thought about it, seemed a little suspicious—how was it that Chris Rock, Matt LeBlanc, male model Sean O’Pry, Uzo Aduba, Kobe Bryant, and Mary J. Blige all fell ill on the same weekend (my birthday weekend??)? Was it a virus? If so, what kind of virus? Why wasn’t I affected by it? I hang out with each of these people all the time—often it’s all of us together hanging out at the same seven-person social gathering—so if it’s something contagious, surely I would’ve caught it. Yet somehow, I didn’t even have the sniffles. If anything, my body was in pristine condition for my birthday weekend!

And then, Sunday morning, after a raucous night of (birthday) partying, I saw it—an instagram of Taylor Swift on stage at the Staples Center in Los Angeles, flanked by Chris Rock, Matt LeBlanc, and male model Sean O’Pry. And then one with Uzo Aduba. And one with Kobe Bryant. And one with Mary J. Blige. Are you KIDDING ME!??! They all missed my birthday for THIS?!?

Let’s get the facts straight. My birthday was on Thursday, so I made plans to get drinks after work on Friday, then boozy brunch on Saturday morning, then a trip to see Straight Outta Compton, and finally pregaming at my apartment before an adventurous night of trendy bar hopping. I invited only my closest friends, plus my roommates, the Lunch Gals from work, and my good buddies Chris Rock, Matt LeBlanc, male model Sean O’Pry, Uzo Aduba, Kobe Bryant, and Mary J. Blige.

The only catch was that Taylor Swift was in town performing concerts on Friday and Saturday. Ominously, one by one, I received phone calls and text messages from all of the celeb friends I’d invited to join me in celebrating my birth. “So sorry I can’t make it, but count me in for next birthday!” And then, instead of coming to any part of my weekend-long party, they all went to hang out on stage with that conniving wench Taylor Swift!?!?

Sorry—I don’t mean that. I have nothing against Taylor Swift. It’s unlike me to pit women against each other! My issue’s not with Taylor but rather with Chris, Matt, male model Sean, Uzo, Kobe, and MJB. How dare they decline my event invite—including all five of my sub-event invites—to go to the Staples Center. What is it about that concert that was more fun than the action-packed whirlwind of a weekend I had planned to celebrate my 29th birthday? Did they not want bottomless Bloody Marys at four-hour long Saturday brunch? Did they not like the bars I picked to be hopped? Is there something else I am missing?

Don’t even get me started on Salma Hayek, Nina Dobrev, Zendaya, and former Extra host Maria Menounos, who all snubbed me by showing up at the Staples Center this weekend—not even on stage, mind you, but just to see Taylor Swift in concert!! Where were they when I most needed them, on this, the two days following my birthday?

Taylor, if this entire thing is just because I didn’t invite you to my birthday, please please trust that it was because I knew you had those concerts at the Staples Center. I figured you’d be busy performing and/or tired from performing. Now that I’ve been birthday-ditched by everyone, I know this was a mistake and I should have asked you to come to my weekend-long party. You inviting all my friends on stage with you just to get back at me was cold, yes, and an overreaction, definitely, but I forgive you.

Anyways, I suppose this marks the end of my friendship with eleven of my dearest celebrity friends. To all of them I say, consider our friendship over, unless you can make it to the second, rain-check birthday celebration I’ve arranged for all of this Thursday and Friday. I picked those days because Taylor doesn’t have any concerts scheduled for then so she can come, too, now that I’ve forgiven her. Hope to see you all then.

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