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August 20, 2010

A dramatic re-enactment of Steven Slater's 15 minutes of fame.

Steven Slater has quickly become a legend.  Stories of Slater’s disgruntled exit have ignited the passions of unhappy employees everywhere, idolizing Slater with each story being more ridiculous than the last.  We here at Drink Philly wouldn’t be doing our part if we didn’t add to the mayhem, so here is our “completely official and totally not fabricated” account of what really happened on flight 1052…


With a Kung Fu Grip Action Hero name like Steven Slater, it’s amazing that this JetBlue flight attendant went 38 years before pulling off something as amazing as this. Slater was on duty on flight 1052 inbound from Pittsburgh to New York when an argument broke out between a passenger and Slater. 

According to our sources, Steven Slater was minding his own business, polishing his treasured broadsword and snacking on gunpowder, when a rogue bag came flying toward him from a disgruntled passenger. Sensing danger, he quickly thwarted the attack by stopping the bag with his face. The perpetrator, a middle aged woman Slater took to be the villain from a Marvel comic book movie, was then reverse suplexed by Slater through the floor of the airplane, which automatically set off the emergency escape slide on the vessel. 

Slater quickly grabbed the intercom and made a short speech laced with a small amount of curse words, which ended with “I’ve had it” and “They can never take our freedom.” Slater then assessed the situation and decided the aircraft was entirely too hostile of an environment to keep beer in. Concerned for the well being of the most valued passengers, he heroically grabbed what reports say “At least one beer” (but was probably upwards of a case), opened the door, and began his majestic descent down the emergency slide. After somersaulting down, he then mounted his trusty steed that took him into the sunset where he shot-gunned his beers with John Wayne and Teddy Roosevelt.  Reports say he later punched his horse in the face so hard that it exploded.  Later he was apprehended in his apartment, “in the midst of sexual relations.”


Sources were unable to confirm the brand of beer taken from the galley, but Drink Philly’s inside sources tell us the label depicted Bruce Willis riding a dragon, wielding a sword bedazzled with gems and lightning.


Eye witness accounts claim, “We were just hanging out on the plane waiting for it to stop, when this completely awesome guy started flipping out and swearing at everyone. My 4-year old told me he no longer wished to be a fireman like his dad. He wanted to be a Steven Slater.”

Outside of discovering the best way to quit a service job in recorded history, Slater has also earned himself a cult following amongst the working class and anyone who’s ever wanted to speak their mind to unruly customers. A Facebook page established in his honor has over 100,000 fans and counting, in less than two days, not to mention his fans worldwide. 

The immediate popular reception is a testament to people worldwide who swallow their words every day at their jobs, all joining in praise of a man who could no longer swallow his and instead decided to swallow victory and wash it down with an ice cold beer.


We raise our glasses and salute you Steven Slater.  Cheers!