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April 21, 2011

The Derek Jeter Cyborg has been malfunctioning. And the Yankees deserve to be compensated.

Little known fact: In 1992, knowing the Yankees would be criticized for buying free agents in the coming years, owner George Steinbrenner commissioned a local robotics company to build what would become Derek Jeter. This cyborg would appear to be the prototypical Yankee, a genuine fistpumper groomed from their farm system.

Nearly 20 years later, the RoboJeter has begun to malfunction, violating the lifetime warranty the team was given. Yankee GM Brian Cashman recently attempted to return the cyborg. Here is the form he filled out:

(Transcription below)

Cashman's handwriting's a little rough. Here is the transcription of the "Reasons" section:
  • Current batting average does not reflect the $4 billion Mr. Steinbrenner paid to have it built in 1992.
  • When we suggested that he play center-field, robot responded by tearing arms off Yogi Berra and screaming "Error Error."
  • Sleeps with supermodels but doesn't tell them he's not a human being
  • Frequently makes our other robot, Alex Rodriguez, cry. (Speaking of which that robot, model AROD897239, malfunctions whenever it sees a mirror. EROTICALLY MAKES OUT WITH REFLECTION.)
  • Gotten cocky, will refuse to play baseball until his jersey number is changed to 0101001010101
  • Keeps trying to throw runners out by jumping backwards (always a problem, but really getting annoying)
  • Jumps into stands when not necessary to make plays.
  • Keeps mentioning 'judgment day'. What is that?