It’s widely known that the best drivers in the world prefer to drive stick, but what happens when they only have one functioning hand? The FIAT Abarth gives you the experience of a race car without the need for shifting, which means this elite crew of mono-dexterous drivers can keeping on racing, despite their deeply fucked-up arm situations.
OCCUPATION: Owner and sole proprietor of New England’s only combination seafood-restaurant/auto-repair-shop.
BIO: After years of exposure to a mix of saltwater and used motor oil caused his hand to mutate into a hideous lobster claw, Buttersauce assumed he would never race again. Now he can feel that same racing experience all over again, without the need for two functioning human hands.
FUN FACT: The nickname “Buttersauce" has nothing to do with his arm, it actually refers to an embarrassing college dare involving a movie theater butter pump and a slip ’n’ slide.
Richard “Dick" Chips
OCCUPATION: School Divorce Counselor
BIO: Before getting her shifting hand permanently stuck in a potato chip can threatened to sideline her racing career forever, Dick Chips had already overcome her fair share of adversity. When she was just a baby, her father walked out on the family and (being a big Johnny Cash fan) left her with the name “Dick” in order to make her tough. It worked, and Ms. Dick Chips isn’t letting her greasy hand prison slow her down one bit.
FUN FACT: She actually doesn’t even like potato chips, she just dropped an earring in there.
The Toad Driver
OCCUPATION: “Holding the toad” is all he’ll tell us
BIO: Where does he come from? What does he want from us? Does he control the toad? …Or does the toad control him? Little is known about this mysterious man other than the fact that he’s bound to eternally cup a large toad in the palm of his hand, which prevents him from driving a stick. Fortunately, now this guy only needs one free hand to get in his car and drive away forever because he’s seriously creeping us out.
FUN FACT: In Soviet Russia, the toad holds YOU.
Ma and Paw
AGE: 62 (434 in dog years)
OCCUPATION: Retired Obedience School Marm
BIO: This former tough-as-nails obedience school instructor was known for her speed and skill with a rolled-up newspaper, but later learned the error of her ways after being licked by a radioactive Labradoodle and becoming part canine herself. Though her sense of smell (and fear of the doorbell) were greatly intensified, her ability to drive stick was all but put down. These days, however? Ma’s feeling like one “bad bitch” behind the wheel.
FUN FACT: Yes, she does stick her head out the window while driving.
Pablo Van Morrissey, aka “The Procrastinating Artist”
OCCUPATION: Maker of fine art and shitty excuses
BIO: A brilliant painter with a bad habit of putting things off ‘til the last minute, Pablo could often be seen struggling to put the finishing touches on his works in the car on his way to the gallery. Now this dawdling auteur always has one free to add those last few happy little trees while cruising down the Champs-Élysées.
FUN FACT: Jackson Pollack invented his trademark splatter-painting technique by accidentally spilling making a hard right with an open paint can in his station wagon.
OCCUPATION: Terrified Barista
BIO: Dan Swayze was just your average coffee shop barista, until one night he fell asleep on his arm so badly that IT DIED. Now he has a ghost hand, and contrary to what you might think, it doesn’t get any less scary with time. It used to be the only thing tougher than pouring a venti latte with fingers that go right through the espresso machine was trying to shift a car like that, but these days Dan is racing like a pro again (but can he ever outrun his own fear?)
FUN FACT: The hand goes off and does its own thing at night, usually high-fiving other ghosts in the graveyard.
OCCUPATION: Bikini Inspector (not a joke, he checks for defects in bathing suits at the local garment factory)
BIO: Nothing can stop this ultra-chill bro from partying, not even a 5-foot tiger shark clamped down on his arm at all times. Though it’s a great icebreaker for hitting on beach Bettys, Chad’s ever-present arm-shark was a major bummer shifting-wise. But these days? He only needs one hand to cruise along the coast looking for sick waves and rad babes.
FUN FACT: The shark actually knows some hella good burrito spots.