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January 03, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Congress agreed to let tax cuts expire on households making more than $450,000 a year. Everyone got on board when it was explained they wouldn't have to do anything.

A few days before an agreement was reached, House Speaker John Boehner said to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, “Go fuck yourself.” Boehner then winked at his best friend, Chuck Meeks, a tough 9-year-old from Arizona.

Meanwhile, Grover Norquist said that Republicans who voted to allow tax cuts to expire did not break their pledge to him to not raise taxes. At which point he forced himself to smile as he went back to making dinner.

A member of the paparazzi died while trying to photograph Justin Bieber's car. Friends and family have asked that everyone respect their privacy.

In an interview, filmmaker Oliver Stone called the U.S. an "Orwellian state." But if the U.S. is such an Orwellian state, how come no comments exist that agree with him?

A recent study is suggesting overweight people are less likely to die prematurely. Keep in mind, the study did not take into account race, if the participants were smokers, and the existence stairs.

At least 60,000 people have died in Syria’s conflict, according to the United Nations. Said the United Nations, "So somebody better get on this soon before it gets out of hand."

Rental car company Avis will buy the car-share service Zipcar for $500 million. Though it won't be available on weekends or around holidays.

Sales of Kim Kardashian's sex tape spiked following the news of her pregnancy. And that's why you make a gift registry BEFORE you announce you're pregnant.

Scientists say fructose may trigger overeating. Still unclear: how sadness triggers fructose.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie reportedly had a secret wedding ceremony on Christmas. It was so secret in fact, only six of their 15 children were invited.