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August 13, 2012

So, you want to plan a trip to Wales, do you? How very bold of you, considering nobody has ever traveled there or knows fuck-all about it.


Now that the London Olympics are over and you've been detained overseas for some reason, you're looking to travel to a nearby country. Why not consider Wales? They'll probably have your bag back to you in four to six weeks and while you're waiting you could always steal things from the bed and breakfast and sell them on the black market for lightly used versions of the same things. You don't even need a passport to travel there as the border guards will just think you're joking and will quietly return to picking nits off each other's backs.
LOCATION A bustling metropolis of over one thousand people, Wales is more commonly referred to as "The Hangnail of the United Kingdom". Situated between England and the Atlantic Ocean, the rest of the U.K. has tried many, many times to push Wales off the edge in an attempt to teach it how to swim via tough-love.The influence the rest of the U.K. has had on Wales is clearly prevalent as well. Welshmen have inherited the alcoholism of the Irish, and the completely indecipherable speech and habit of screaming about monsters from the Scottish.There are no leprechauns but there are more than enough little people who are belligerent and drunk who will play darts with you. There are no "loch" monsters either and don't ask to see one either unless you want to see a Welshman's water-damaged goods.
ATTRACTIONS When not telling you why you've been kidnapped and are subsequently being held for ransom, most Welshmen enjoy telling tourists what the difference is between the Welsh and the rest of the United Kingdom, usually denoting sexual preferences from country to country and making drunken claims to wipe other much larger and more militarized countries off the face of the earth. (*See "racism") Other pastimes include sitting in the dark, bathing in gin, and popular Welsh-invented games like "Can I Drink That?" and "Will That Fit Up There"? 
CULTURE In the rest of the world, teenage boys wear T-shirts that say dumb things like "Girl, I couldn't survive without you." In Wales, teenage boys wear sacks of burlap.Burlap is a very durable material so often the sack has been passed down six or seven generations.In the rest of the United Kingdom, boy bands sing things like "You Don't Know You're Beautiful". In Wales, the number one and sole love ballad is "You Have Over Twelve Of Your Teeth". 
HOSPITALITY Very much so. There are several hospitals in Wales, all of which seat over six patients. In an effort to be progressive, all of Wales' hospitals also double as hospices as hardly anybody ever leaves them. If you have so much as the common cold in Wales, please make your peace with God upon admission. 
INNOVATION In December 2011, Wales installed its very first elevator, and within hours, Welsh gentleman had perfected that thing where you pretend to hold the door for someone and mess it up but are secretly just closing the door on a person you don't like. Nobody likes each other here, a hatred second only to everyone else from every other country.
RACISM Racism is a pretty important part of Welsh life. Not ugly racism though, the casual fun kind you do with your friends, where you state loudly, in  a slurred voice, what you would do if an Englishman, a Scotsman, or an Irishman came through the door right now. Don't worry, unless discussing railroads the racism hardly ever extends further east than that. It's impossible to be too racist towards white people anyway. Through years of sensitivity training, the average Caucasian male (Honkius Maximus) has been taught the only casually racist comments you're allowed to make are about people also of the Caucasian persuasion.  I would like to say I've never been able to tell the difference between Finland and Sweden, not to mention that I think the Icelandic are rather loud and rude and run on their own seperate clocks apparently. Having said that, I only know one Icelandic guy so much of this is a generalization, but still, as they're so sparsely populated, he is not doing a good job of representing. 
*Wales rhymes with a lot of stuff, though none of them know how to read or write so this is lost on them. 
*You cannot go whale-watching in "Wales" ironically, though the term "blowhole" is still used abundantly. 
*The term "Welsh" was adopted upon realizing it was a word you could still say slurred and come out with the same pronounciation. At any given time, 97% of the population of Wales will be slurring their speech due to inebriation or a concussion onset by debauchery.
*The main export of Wales is that crusty stuff on your eyes when you wake up and the main import of Wales is tears.