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May 04, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Documents seized during the raid on Osama bin Laden's compound have been posted online. However, scholars point out that there are a lot of holes in them.

In one document, bin Laden wrote that he was worried about people losing their "trust in jihadists.” Said bin Laden, "There was a time when suicide bombers were people you could ask for directions."

Sen. Jay Rockefeller is requesting that the British committee investigating Rupert Murdoch look into whether his company broke any American laws. And if so, how the American government should go about punishing him.

An advertisement featuring Ashton Kutcher in brown makeup and speaking with an Indian accent has been pulled after people said it was racist. The company said the number of complaints their India-based call center received from white people looking to speak to a white person was staggering.

Blind Chinese dissident Chen Guangcheng said today that he hoped to leave China with Hillary Clinton. Leaving U.S. officials to question how he figured out that box of wigs wearing a jumpsuit was a trick so quickly.

Gene Wilder's Willy Wonka costume is set to be auctioned off. In related news, Johnny Depp's Willy Wonka costume is still buried beneath the ocean where it can't scare anyone ever again.  

CNN's April ratings were reportedly their worst in 10 years. The channel is investigating reasons for the slip, so don't expect them to figure out the reason for the slip. 

A UC San Diego student is alleging that he was held for five days without food or water by the Drug Enforcement Agency. In all fairness, he should've told them he wasn't Muslim sooner. 

The student, arrested during a drug raid, says he also drank his own urine and ate his own glasses because he was hallucinating from dehydration. On the bright side, he says he's glad he finally gave Gwyneth Paltrow's diet a chance.

Target announced it will stop selling Amazon's Kindle at stores. Meanwhile, Walmart announced it will stop selling book.

A new poll says President Obama and Mitt Romney are tied in the swing states Florida and Ohio. Also up in the air, the jazz states of Virginia and Nevada. 

Edvard Munch’s "Scream" sold for $119.9 million. Far outdoing his earlier work, "Apathetic Shrug."

During a debate with socialist opponent François Hollande, French President Nicolas Sarkozy declared, “That’s a lie, it’s a calumny, you are a little calumniator, saying that.” Particularly interesting since Hollande had just said Americans don't know what "calumny" means. 

Michele Bachmann formally endorsed Mitt Romney despite once saying he created “socialized medicine" while governor. Amazing in retrospect that the person who accused the detached millionaire of socialism didn't go farther in the race. 

Billy Graham told North Carolina voters they should support a statewide ban on gay marriage. "Everyone listen to the 93-year-old evangelist on social issues!" said no one.