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Additional Credits:
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I Think I’m Still Here

 

Jim McPartland

Funnyordie.com/jbmcpart

Mad Rumblings- the Musings of Jim McPartland (Facebook)

 

 

“Judgment Day will be the end of salvation for the human race. Just like Noah’s Ark, once the door is shut, no one will be allowed to enter.”- Kevin Brown, spokesman for Family Radio

 

 

I couldn’t sleep last night.

 

Actually it’s been since Thursday when it dawned on me that Family Radio’s leader Harold Camping had predicted the end of the world Saturday, 5/21/11. Around 6.

 

Revelations Armageddon. Fire and brimstone. Return of Christ. God’s wrath on the wicked. Last Train to Clarksville.

My Hero

 

 

 

Camping didn’t say that there’d be a big explosion, just that it would start with an earthquake in New Zealand and degenerate from there. Lots of gnashing of teeth, as we began a vicious spiral to rapture. Locusts. Nasty cuts and bruises. Too late to fess up to nailing that drunk 15 year old in high school.

 

And- according to their site- The Bible guarantees it!

 

 

I’m still here. You are too. Sigh of relief time?

 

Do I now get my money back? Will there be a new King James edition which explains why the prediction was, um, off the mark? How are the souls of the Mayans taking this?

 

Heaven’s to Murgatroid!

 

 

This was taken in Bridgeport, CT. Proof that the South does not have a strangle hold on psychoses.

 

 

 

Some history[1]-

 

Camping’s group is tied to Focus on the Family, another ultra conservative- and totally nuts- “Christian”[2] group founded by James Dobson. These are the folks who encouraged their fellowship to vote for GWB 43 in 2000 based on ‘moral values’. I guess if those values included stock in Halliburton, your P/E Moral Ratio has done well.

Camping taught that the world would end May 21, 2011 using the following reasoning:

  1. The number five equals "atonement", the number ten equals "completeness", and the number seventeen equals "heaven".
  2. Christ is said to have hung on the cross on April 1, 33 AD. The time between April 1, 33 AD and April 1, 2011 is 1,978 years.
  3. If 1,978 is multiplied by 365.2422 days (the number of days in a solar year, not to be confused with the lunar year), the result is 722,449. (This, however, is a rounded number; taken precisely, the figure is 722,449.0716)
  4. The time between April 1 and May 21 is 51 days.
  5. 51 added to 722,449 is 722,500.
  6. (5 x 10 x 17) or (atonement x completeness x heaven) also equals 722,500[3]

 

I didn’t go to MIT (I doubt Harold did either), but this is utter fucking Mathmatical Looney Tunes!

 

 

This is the same kind of shit astrology comes up with to give you those “lucky numbers”. The same “lucky numbers” that keep your folder of failed-lotto-to-be-filed-on-next-year’s-tax-return brimming over. Or all the How to Beat Roulette books sold in casino gift shops.

 

The thing that kills me is people actually went to banks to withdraw all their money, believeing ATM’s would crash and the All Mighty Buck would become Almightier. And they VOTE. The RNC invests millions to insure that. I’m surprised Michele Backman hasn’t said “OK, it didn’t happen. But it could have. If you vote for Obama again, it’ll be way sooner than later. And we ARE behind China in math. Harold’s formula would make a great algorithm, wouldn’t it?”

My daughters and I were eating Friday when this subject came up. They are old (and I think smart) enough to differentiate between reality and fantasy. I heard a couple parents talking about their child being anxious- even afraid- because they had caught a snipet. When the news reports this stuff, they need a scrolling banner ala War of the Worlds saying "Lady Gaga thinks these guys are bonkers". Immediate calm would be restored in 4rth graders nationally.

 

60 Minutes ran a piece last week on “Soverign Citizens”. These knucklheads believe they should kill law enforcement and government officials to keep us all ‘free’. They don’t pay taxes. My guess is they love Harold. And Mr. Dobson. And that guy in the pic in Bridgeport because he’s on their mailing list.

 

I’m sorry, but our First Amendment rights do not endorse this bullshit. And Family Radio is pushing the envelope towards it. They are a favorite of militia groups, the Klan, and 1 good looking chick in Alaska.

 

Maybe Mr. Camping should have rounded UP in #3. That would make it today.

Has anyone talked to New Zealand yet?

 

 

Your homework is to come up with your own formula to determine when to cash out the 401k.

You may use the Bible as reference.


Please show your work.



Editor’s Note-On Monday, 5/24, Harold apoligized for not having the dates “worked out as accurately as I could have”. He went on to say 5/21 was the “spiritual” judgment day- that God’s judgment and salvation were merely completed on 5/21 and that a new day- 10/21- is the revised day of the globe being destroyed.


He did not show his math, received a “F”, and was issued a calculator to replace his defective abacus .


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recommended reading-

 

 

 

Jim McPartland is a freelance comedic writer specializing in non fiction narrative humor. He can be had for a song. Just not “Don’t Stop Believing” as that causes violent outbursts. He can be found on Facebook under “Mad Rumblings”, his soon to be published book.



[1] I did not reference the Bible or Einstein’s Theory of Relativity to produce this.

[2] “Jesus didn’t come to give us the willies”- George Carlin in Dogma

[3]  From Wikipedia. The Merriam-Webster of my day.

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