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Published April 05, 2012

Announcing the Triumphant return of

Aprilfest

Lost to the ages, but after painstaking research all over Germany it has been found. The long lost Spring Drinking holiday Aprilfest-a celebration of the planting and purging of the leftover beer from the previous year. Being Germans they got rid of the old beer the only way they knew how, by endless drinking.

A holiday celebrated by peasant and noble since before the Romans, who tried to replace beer with wine and garum -fermented fish entrails ( think Worcestershire sauce ) . Aprilfest and beer survived the Romans and the dark ages, but it was tested by the plagues from the east. But from treatment of the plagues came two of the icons of Aprilfest. Doctors in Bavaria, to protect themselves from the plague, donned Pretzel Helmets and carried sheep’s bladders full of mustard around their necks. The mustard was used to treat the sick, people taking this treatment were said to be “sucking the mustard teat”. From then on Aprilfest revelers have been enthusiastically squeezing mustard from a “teat” onto a hunk of pretzel torn from their helmet, in-between delicious mouth fulls of aging beer, of course.

This Golden age was not to last and in 1648 an edict of the Peace of Westphalia agreed to by all involved, banned Aprilfest for causing the 30 years war. It was at a Aprilfest celebration that the Holy Roman Emperor Firdinand II got plastered and claimed that Huguenots were “Mincing Nancy boys”. He also insulted Bohemia, stating he knew how to make Bohemian beer “You drink any other beer and urinate in a bottle marked Bohemian beer.” Of Saxony he said “The only good things to come out of Saxony was Prostitutes and Footballers (soccer players)” .

The Prince of Transylvania took offence and yelled “My wife is from Saxony!”

“What position does she play?” Firdinand answered then quickly added ”Just kidding, how much does she charge an hour?”

Aprilfest disappeared from the history books and became a thing of legend….Until today. Now it is up to the readers of this paper to wear a Pretzel helmet , sport some mustard teats, get loaded and spread the word Aprilfest is Back!

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P.S. Alright , you got me Aprilfest is completely made up. But what if enough people got behind this, we could have a whole new drinking holiday. April needs one, it’s rainy, it’s tax time, and Easter, the Christian celebration of the resurrection of Jesus Christ, is surprisingly dry considering Jesus turned water into wine. What harm could a whole month of drinking beer, eating bratwurst, and wearing leather shorts bring. Besides increases in drunk driving, liver disease, high cholesterol , high blood pressure, chaffing and crotch rot. So if you read this and like the idea, Please celebrate it, tell your friends, start an Aprilfest movement on TV, radio, Internet , Smoke signals, any thing. If you think about all the money that could be infused into the economy , from buying the beer to DUI fines and vehicle seizures to stomach pumping and liver transplants. What we create here today could jumpstart the Global economy. So grab a beer and save the world! God bless and see you at Aprilfest 2013!

-Evilguy

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