Local Teen Turning 40 Barricades Himself In Gated Mansion
In a bizarre turn of events, Elliot Cooper-Smith a local beach-front teenager and aspiring adult-movie star, has barricaded himself inside his exclusive gated 3760 square-foot Malibu beachfront home according to nosey neighbors and unconfirmed social media sources.
Mr. Cooper-Smith has repeatedly been convicted of multiple crimes such as staying up past 11pm, watching endless hours of vintage TV and local news, smoking cannabis to relieve pre-op abdominal pain and even drinking the occasional 4 Loko malt beverage, all crimes carrying a maximum penalty of self-imposed mansion confinement if convicted again. Although warned in no uncertain terms, the teen seems content with nothing other to do but wait and play game after game of Dukes of Hazard pinball in his game room/sex parlor.
Records indicate the elegant property was purchased by Mr. Cooper-Smith some 65 years ago through un-specified shady means. While no official statement has been issued by Mr. Cooper-Smith, his well paid attorney Elmer Huckleberry did have this to say: “My client is super-duper, uh, what’s the word? Concerned, I’d guess you’d say, over the potential of his not being able to play Mortal Combat on his PS3 again this time next year.”
While turning 40 is never a pleasant experience, neighbors report that Elliot has been barking at the moon, talking to himself and making secret pacts will the Devil and other public figures. While these un-substantiated reports appear credible, the main eye witness Mrs. Dotti McDowny hasn’t been down to the Costco to renew her glasses prescription in over 20 years.
Only time will tell when the elusive, well-proportioned young man will again take his BMX down to the Frosty Chill but some say it got stolen in 2015 and that now he’s forced to walk only to the Gourmet Marketplace Market for pieces of 3 hour old artisan pizza and prosciutto that’s only been aged for 18 months instead of his preferred 24. Whatever fate befalls the youngster, health care professionals feel that his chances of survival are high and that only a minimal period of time is required for him to start taking those whoop sections and doubles once again.