To: richard@brooksbrothers.com
From: tom.branseen11@gmail.com
Subject: Not Gonna Quit After All!!!

Hey Richard, So here’s one of the more humbling emails I’ve had to write. You probably don’t even remember this but on Friday I mentioned something about quitting and never coming back. Anyways, I thought about it and I’ll probably just not do that and come in on Monday as usual. Have a great weekend!

Best,
Tom

To: tom.branseen11@gmail.com
From: richard@brooksbrothers.com
Subject: RE: Not Gonna Quit After All!!!

Tom, you know as well as I do that I remember you quitting. Best of luck finding new employment.

Richard.

To: richard@brooksbrothers.com
From: tom.branseen11@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Not Gonna Quit After All!!!

I know what this is about. It’s that “fuckface” comment I made. Richard, that was CLEARLY a joke. I thought you loved jokes cause I remembered one time at the office Christmas party you made one. It went over terribly but I still recognized you tried.

Anyways, I can explain the whole thing. Ya see, I had my taxes done this week and was told I was getting a $1000 REFUND. I’m sure you can understand my immediate reaction of, “OK I’m gonna quit my fucking job like TODAY.” But, Richard, now that I’ve had a little time to stew on it, $1000 is not enough to live on. So I’m officially “unquitting.” I “quit quitting” if that makes any sense.

Have a great weekend, see you on Monday!

Your Brooks Brothers Employee Once More,
Tom

To: tom.branseen11@gmail.com
From: richard@brooksbrothers.com
Subject: RE: Not Gonna Quit After All!!!

Tom, you called me a "fuckface" then handed me a letter of resignation that only said, “I’ve been using your private bathroom to masturbate in.” I’m sorry you made a poor financial decision but, clearly, you’re not returning to Brooks Brothers on Monday.

To: richard@brooksbrothers.com
From: tom.branseen11@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Not Gonna Quit After All!!!

STOP IT YES I AM!! Richard, PLEASE. I don’t know how I thought this tax refund was enough to quit my job. I’ll make a bargain with you! How bout you come to my place and masturbate in my bathroom?! We’ll be even!!

I was on a tax refund high and just got swept up in the moment! I also broke up with my girlfriend cause I told her I could find someone hotter! And once I have this job shit resolved, she’ll be receiving an apology email, too!

See you on Monday at 10???

To: tom.branseen11@gmail.com
From: richard@brooksbrothers.com
Subject: RE: Not Gonna Quit After All!!!

Tom, if I see you on Monday I am calling the police. Also we open at 9, not 10.

To: richard@brooksbrothers.com
From: tom.branseen11@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Not Gonna Quit After All!!!

Ugh! I said 10 cause I have a thing in the morning on Monday. Ya know, you really ARE a dick, Richard. That’s why Dick is short for Richard. Because of you. You made that whole name thing happen.

Here’s the real sitch. I forgot I had to pay H&R Block $300 for doing my taxes in the first place. So that knocked my G down to just $700. Then I remembered I owed this dude Ricky $10,000 after making a bad March Madness bet. So that actually knocks my refund down to –$9,300. Basically not even a refund at all.

Let’s just say what happened on Friday was no one’s fault. I said some things I didn’t mean (“I quit”), you said some things you didn’t mean (“OK”). Instead of playing the blame game, let’s just chalk it up to the drugs.

To: tom.branseen11@gmail.com
From: richard@brooksbrothers.com
Subject: RE: Not Gonna Quit After All!!!

What drugs? Were you on drugs on Friday?

To: richard@brooksbrothers.com
From: tom.branseen11@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Not Gonna Quit After All!!!

...is it too late to say no?

To: tom.branseen11@gmail.com
From: richard@brooksbrothers.com
Subject: RE: Not Gonna Quit After All!!!

OK, fine. You didn’t quit. You’re just fired. This will be the last email reply you receive from me.

To: richard@brooksbrothers.com
From: tom.branseen11@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Not Gonna Quit After All!!!

I’m having a terrible day! Did I mention I’m also going through a break up?! If I can’t have my job back then can I please just borrow $9,400?! Please, Richard, you’re my best friend!!

To: tom.branseen11@gmail.com
From: richard@brooksbrothers.com
Subject: RE: Not Gonna Quit After All!!!

I thought you said you owed $9,300.

To: richard@brooksbrothers.com
From: tom.branseen11@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Not Gonna Quit After All!!!

I need another hundo cause I wanna see Ariana Grande at Hershey Park!! PLEASE. I’m worried they’re gonna dock some of my refund cause I claimed you as a dependent!!

PS – Brooks Brothers is a non-profit right?

To: tom.branseen11@gmail.com
From: richard@brooksbrothers.com
Subject: RE: Not Gonna Quit After All!!!

Goodbye, Tom.

To: richard@brooksbrothers.com, juliejohnst@gmail.com, bradzrulzj@gmail.com
From: tom.branseen11@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Not Gonna Quit After All!!!

I’ve CCed your wife and 14-year-old son so they can see what a jerk you’re being.

To: tom.branseen11@gmail.com, richard@brooksbrothers.com, juliejohnst@gmail.com
From: bradzrulzj@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Not Gonna Quit After All!!!

Dad, what’s happening right now?

To: bradzrulzj@gmail.com, richard@brooksbrothers.com, juliejohnst@gmail.com
From: tom.branseen11@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Not Gonna Quit After All!!!

Ur Dad’s mad I’ve been masturbating in the bathroom. But hey if that means I’m fired, you’re probably fired too, right, Brad?!

To: tom.branseen11@gmail.com
From: MAILER-DAEMON@gmail.com
Subject: MAILER-DAEMON RE: Not Gonna Quit After All!!!

MAILER-DAEMON 404

You have been blocked from emailing bradzrulzj@gmail.com, richard@brooksbrothers.com, juliejohnst@gmail.com

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