i wrote this when i was 20. it was my first bio for the band i was in at the time (the new york city crack team). i thought i was soooooo clever. have a look see...
my name is anton mueller. affectionatly known, to any who have
shared more than thirty seconds with me, as twon. i was born on august
15, 1980, under a swarm of hungry bats. i did
not cry when i was born, but i did cry when i first heard "adagio for
strings" by samuel barber.
when i was three years old i could recite the names of every president and greek god, but since then i have replaced that knowledge with usless facts about led zepplin and the past and present rosters of the green bay packers. i believe that a supreme being is our future, not our origin (obscure "dilbert" reference). i am gifted in the use of the english language and have been known to write several extesive research papers at once in a mere 2 hours. i once adopted two baby robins and nursed them back to health over the course of a summer, teaching them how to fly and hunt for worms. i ended a promising football career by falling off a mountain during an afterhours bike excursion. i once traveled to africa and spent a week living naked in the jungle just outside of victoria falls, zimbabwe. i have written dissertations on the subject of negative-cognitive disorders which the psyciatric community have done their best to cover up, believing me to be dangerous and revolutionary in my ideas. i once saved an old folks home from being overrun by a hive of an aggressive species of housefly, using only a rolled up "saturday evening post" and a bottle of windex.
my father is a brilliant composer and my mother is an educative adminisrtator. my brothers are both far more talented than i, and my sister is far cuter. i believe tyler durden and james t. kirk are the greatest heroes of the 20th century. i work the graveyard shift at a posh new york hotel for insurance coverage and social curiosity. during my lunch break i rent grappling hooks and swing though the city looking for evildoers and righting wrongs.
my favorite album of all time is "thud", by kevin gilbert. i believe ian anderson was a great artist and a visionary until he gave up illegal drugs and decided to take valium to aid in his creative process. for two hours each week i sell out and compose horridly unoriginal pop standards for untalented cantonese artists to earn the money on which i survive. i smoke compusively when i am composing, but would never admit to it. i think that ben folds and maynard james keenan are the only musicians to emerge since 1990 who have said anything of any social significance. i own every recording by the band YES, and have made jon anderson's voice the bane of my neighbors' collective, early morning, existences.
my favorite food is not chicken. all matter is made up of very small things, i, however, am not. i am a raging egomaniac, but i am unequaled as a listener. i am a shoulder to cry on to some, the fool on the hill to others. i eat anything, as long as it tastes good. i cannot burp.