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February 20, 2012

Jeffrey Breakfast has decided that he wants to return to the worl of academia. Because of this decision, he has written his college essay in hopes of being accepted and needs your help. Cross your fingers!

When I originally sat down to start writing my personal essay, I tried to think of a route that could win me the sympathy of the reader. While sifting through the depths of my psyche for some traumatic event that I had to struggle with in my childhood, I came up empty handed. At no point did I lose my parents to some freak accident, forcing me to enter into an abusive foster home nor did I escape from a country that had been crippled with civil war forcing me to become a refugee. My entire life, I grew up a moderately privileged Caucasian male living in an upper-middle class neighborhood. Needless to say, my life has been pretty good and I honestly think that has been my disadvantage.


A life without problems can be extremely detrimental to an individual. I wake up everyday and I know that the coffee will always be hot, my fridge will be full and the bathroom will be over equipped with an unnecessary amount of 3-ply toilet paper. It sucks. Without tragedy, how can one be expected to triumph? How am I supposed to overcome adversity when I have no adversities to overcome? While there are people out there all over the world that have to worry about militant groups burning down their village, I have boring struggles like trying to remember whether the recycling bin is supposed to go out this week or next week.


Moving onto my grades. I realize that they are far from par and while I'd like to attribute that to having an alcoholic father who made studying impossible, I can't. I had more than enough resources and space for studying and should probably have done somewhat better if not a lot better. I, however, enjoyed spending my time occupying various altered states of reality instead of focusing on long division or grammar.


You've probably noticed that on my application I have myself as undeclared. This is probably for the best. I don't want to get anyone's hopes up. That's all I really have to say about that. The additional words in this paragraph are just filler words. Let us move on.


If admitted to your establishment, I'll probably coast by for a few years with barely passing grades until I slip over the cusp into failure, forcing me to go on a “hiatus”. The one thing I can assure with great confidence is that the checks will always clear. You should view me more as a short term business venture than as a future alum who will eventually donate a library or locker room for the cricket team. I honestly don't even know what sports you offer... Hopefully cricket.


Hopefully my honesty has been a refreshing change of pace from the normal college essays you've been receiving. Should you decide to reject me, I can always manage to find some connection through my parents that will get me into the university. I don't want to have to take that route because it will only further perpetuate the ease that is my life but I will begrudgingly do so if need be. So in conclusion, whether my words have been persuasive or discouraging, I look forward to seeing you next year. Bye.