Several bizarre crimes involving the synthetic drug Flakka have been reported recently, including a nude Florida man having impaled his buttocks on a fence while trying to break into a police precinct. But if you think that sounds scary, just wait until you check out how bad these latest designer narcotics will mess you up:


Scrazzle

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While not detrimental in small doses, longtime abusers of Scrazzle suffer from genital sores that exactly resemble Jon Cryer’s face.


T-Zrip

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Possibly the most damaging of the synthetic drugs, T-Zrip convinces users that they should write and direct their own independent film. Ill-considered Kickstarter campaigns are a very good indicator that a friend or loved one might be abusing T-Zrip.


Meth For Dogs

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Savvy drug cartels looking to break into new markets recently concocted this new subtype of methamphetamine, formulated specially for dogs. Already pet owners in the Southwest have reported frisbee-toss games lasting up to 72 hours straight and 80-foot-wide holes having been dug.


Krimp VII

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Yet another version of the incredibly powerful Krimp family of narcotics, Krimp VII has the same well-known effects as Krimp VI, except it is 10 times more Krimp-like in its potency. One thing’s for sure: This ain’t your granddaddy’s Krimp V.


P.B. Cups

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Although by and large harmless on their own, when combined with marijuana, P.B. Cups can cause an incredibly intense euphoria that will make every other experience in life pale in comparison.


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