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January 02, 2010


Internal Monologue Required Contest #4

#9."O.K...Who's the asshole who chopped off the top of my perfect coif?"
#8. Meet "Mr. January" on the Wal-Mart calendar.
#7. Baseball been berry berry good to me!
#6. "I don't know why I agreed to play a 'pants' or 'skins' game. The opposing team is not wearing any pants. I'm really not comfortable with that. The tackling is weird. Plus these guys just showed up at the park in a windowless van & still haven't taken off their aviator shades."
#5. "Mental note: do NOT take copious amounts of horse tranquilizer & then play football. Wow."
#4. Thank you, Lord. Preparation H does work fast!

#3. I used to play for Pensive State.

#2. I have to stand here like an asshole while half of the crew eats Boston cream pie.

#1. "Bill...come 'ere. You hired this model? Okay. He's not familiar with football, is he? American football? In fact, he doesn't know what a football is. Hasn't ever seen one before. Never touched one, thrown one. What is he doing here, Bill? Is he trying to hypnotize the football while gazing passively at grass growing? This is how I see it, Bill: there's football, waaaay over here. See it? There's football. Then there's this guy. He's waaaay, waaay over there. See him? They're pretty far apart, aren't they Bill?

Did you tell him we wanted jazz hands for this shot? I should hope not. We're advertising cheap clothing, & giving permission for people to not feel bad about buying that cheap clothing by demonstrating that you can be 'cool', 'active', & 'well-adjusted' while wearing that cheap clothing. It's an illusion, Bill. A carefully crafted illusion. You know what you did, Bill? You took a big dump on that illusion. Yes you did. It looks like we're selling lobotomies, Bill. It looks like we're selling mindless complacency. Who is his favorite team, Bill? The San Diego Melancholies? He looks like he'd rather be knitting a sweater for his tiny, tiny dog. Did he vomit after having to touch a football, Bill? Did he freak out when there weren't any little holes in it, like a bowling ball?

I'll tell you what. Take this picture, & any copies, negatives, files of it, put them in a box, seal that box, then take a big marker, & write on that box "This Is What Bill Calls 'Effort'". Take that box home, & show it to your family. Your FAMILY, Bill. You show them what you did, what passes for your best work. Then beg for their forgiveness.

By the way, did the prints for those sarcastic boot-cut jeans come back yet?"