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January 30, 2018
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Top 8 places to guarantee your safety and sanity during football season!

It’s that time of year again (HELP!) and regardless of who makes it into the Super Bowl, I’ve noticed that people tend to get rowdy and in-your-face from September up until this time! So, for the past 22 years I’ve decided to hide away from the world during football season. I’ll usually hide any old place (your typical supply closet or under a bed- really base hiding place stuff)- but during the Super Bowl, I like to really step up my game and get creative! Here are my top 8 places to hide regardless of who wins the Super Bowl:

8) In Tom Brady’s basement! It’s guaranteed that he’ll be away for a good portion of this time, and even when he’s home he never goes in the basement because they give him the willies.

7) In an empty swimming pool somewhere in Georgia- it’s generally warm there and people never look in their empty swimming pools to see if people are hiding in them.

6) The storage room at a Baskin Robbins. This one can be tricky because they do sell ice cream cakes shaped like footballs with the crunchies on the outside, so you run risk of being close to football fans- but as long as you’re not hiding in the actual freezer, you should be safe!

5) In Tom Brady’s garage! Once again, his house is easy to hide in because he’s usually out footballin’ and he doesn’t even own cars or tools so I’m pretty sure the garage was built just so he could show off and say his house has a garage.

4) In a haunted gymnasium- this one is easy because haunted gymnasiums are EVERYWHERE regardless of what state you live in, and even though it’s haunted, the ghosts are less scary than someone shot-gunning a beer with their shirt off and their faces painted in team colors IMO.

3) A field of hay- football fans NEVER end up in a field of hay, so park yourself behind the bale of your choice and relax! They can’t get you here.

2) In Tom Brady’s room of Bobble Heads! I’ve never seen any human in Tom Brady’s house anywhere but the kitchen, bedrooms, or room of rotating TV’s playing REDZONE 24/7. But, even if someone does wander in here they have plenty of life-size bobble heads so all you have to do is just shake your head back and forth a little bit and you’ll be cool.

1) This one may come as a shock, but my top place to hide is in Tom Brady’s old college locker at U. of Michigan- it’s guaranteed to be free, because they’ve never let anyone else use it in fear that it would jinx the team like that weird Voodoo doctor/college freshman majoring in Poli-Sci said in 1998.

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