Full Credits

Stats & Data

October 30, 2008


Chicago, Illinois.– In  a bizarre story in which a laptop was stolen from Java’s Coffee and Internet Cafe in Northbrook, African American Charles Whitman, who was at the scene of the crime has been cleared as a suspect by the Northbrook Police Department.

The owner of the stolen laptop, Jonas Stein, first reported the laptop stolen on Monday, after returning from the bathroom to find it missing from the table where he left it unattended, failing to notice the arrival of Charles Whitman.

“I went to the bathroom for a few minutes and when I came back I was shocked to see my laptop had disappeared, I wasn’t told until later that Charles Whitman had been lurking about, cleverly hiding behind the pages of a Wall Street Journal the entire time.”

After wasting time questioning the suburban patrons of the shop, owner Ted Hayes decided to get the police involved. Lt. Steve Colligan was first at the scene and told of his investigation in a phone call Monday evening.

” After learning of Whitman’s suspicious presence at the scene and his swift departure after an amateur strip search by Mr. Hayes, we went to Mr. Whitman’s residence to make the arrest but due to the lack of witnesses willing to come forward, and a failure to find the missing laptop on Whitman’s person or property, we have yet to gather enough evidence to make a conviction.”

At the time of the crime there were only a few people inside the business, none of whom were willing to report seeing Stein’s laptop taken by Whitman and cowardly refuse to admit that they saw Whitman run from the shop like a Kenyan sprinter, sweat glistening off his dark hide as he made his escape.

” I have known Charles for a few years now,” said Kaitlin Conner who has been working at the Cafe for several years, “he comes in almost everyday, always pays and even tips. I was not working on Monday but when I found out that someone had stolen a laptop from the Cafe, I felt betrayed by Charles, I thought of him as a friend but I now know that he was just scouting the place the whole time looking for the right moment to strike. The worst part is it looks like he is going to get away with it.”

This is not the first case of recent in which police failed to get a conviction or even make an arrest when obvious culprits have been present at the scene of a crime, a trend which according to District Attorney Clive Hansen, has become all to common in Northbrook.

“Crime has been steadily rising in the past few years while conversely, convictions have been on the decline. While I by no means am excusing myself from blame, police have made it all to easy for criminals like Charles Whitman to run wild by failing to gather enough evidence for me to make a case, even in an open and shut cases like this one. What alarms me the most is that Charles Whitman has no criminal record, not even a drinking in public or marijuana conviction, it’s scary to think of how many crimes Mr. Whitman has been able to get away with due to the incompetence of the Northbrook Police Department”.

For now, the Northbrook Police department is forced to rule Whitman out as a suspect but are optimistic that their  surveillance of his home and medical practice will bring to light enough evidence for an indictment.

Whitman was not contacted for this story due to the assumption that he was not up to date on his pre-paid cell phone bill.