I’m sure by now you’ve all heard the rumors about me, David Cameron, sticking a pig’s private parts in my mouth during an initiation ritual at Oxford. I’m sure you’re all having a good laugh at my expense, but I urge you, before you make your crass remarks, and attempt to stifle your giggles to hear the whole story, the true story. So as George W. Bush once said, “here goes nothing.”
It was a year ago when we met. I was on holiday in Berkshire. I was walking down the road one misty morning, when my eyes met those of the most beautiful creature to grace God’s earth. It was love at first sight. Ever since then, she and I have been sneaking around, hiding our feelings from the world, afraid of what anyone might say, but no longer. I am finally going to say it. My name is David Cameron, and I am in a fruitful, monogamous relationship with Snorts, an eight year old meat pig.
Yes it is true that I am in love with a pig, and yes it is true that I left my wife of almost twenty years this past week. But I will not apologize. Snorts and I are enjoying what we have for so long yearned for. We are finally enjoying our freedom. So like the beautiful butterfly, mine and this pig’s relationship will burst forth from the cocoon of secrecy, and flourish for all of the world to see. That’s right, Snorts and I are to be married, so that we will be two souls bound in the law of both man, and Pig.
You can make your jokes, treat me like a pariah, but through all of it, Snorts’ love will be my rock in a sea of what is sure to be only jeers, and hate. She will be my only source of support through the bigotry I’m sure to face from people (like my mother) who don’t think I should live in a one bedroom home, and fall asleep every night in the arms of a 450 pound domesticated pig.
To escape the barrage of hatred, and Late Night talk show jokes, Snorts and I are to take an extended holiday in a remote location. Yes, I will be wallowing in the mud, and eating corn feed, while you all share in the public crucifixion of a beautiful relationship. I hope that when I return from the small farm that we’ve rented, I will be accepted for who I am. A proud pig fucker.