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September 04, 2012

Being a Cubs fan is like pouring rubbing alcohol into your eyes every morning for your entire life.


Why Am I A Cubs Fan?

Have you ever been in love? Was this person that you were in love with completely and utterly unattainable? Yes? That’s how it feels when you’re a fan of the goddamn Chicago Cubs. All you want is for that girl to finally to love you. But it doesn’t happen. Instead of loving you, the girl literally pulls out a massive machete and slits your throat with it. That’s how it’s like being a fan of the Cubs. It hurts. It really, really hurts.

You think you might finally end up with the girl of your dreams, but two days later you accidently stumble upon her having passionate sex with your way more masculine arch-enemy? That’s how it feels when you see the Cubs blow a 2 game divisional lead with three games to go to the Cardinals. Except when you’re a Cubs fan you don’t even see that. You get to see the girl you love make sweet, sweet love with your extremely deformed friend that you feel sorry for. Except you realize that there isn’t a deformed friend in your group you feel sorry for because you’re that deformed friend.

It’s a great feeling when  you think that you’ve finally said the right words to get the girl that you’ve loved for years to love you, but it’s a miserable feeling when you realize that all those words that got you is a 8 year, 136 million dollar deal for Alfonzo Soriano. That’s like expecting a wonderful honeymoon with the girl you have always loved, but instead of a wonderful honeymoon, you catch herpes from some skank at the shittiest dive bar in your shitty hometown.

If you’re creepy enough, you might spend hours looking at the Twitter feed of the person you love hoping to God that they tweeted something positive that you could possibly pretend was about you. If you’re a Cubs fan all you can look at is their roster moves and you can’t even pretend that anything the Cubs do roster wise is ever anything positive. Yeah, the trade or massive contract might look good at the time, but the only thing they are ever going to lead to is you having the urge to commit suicide by bear.

When I watch an impossibly shitty romantic comedy, I at least recognize that it’s barely possible that I’ll find love like the protagonist in the impossibly shitty romantic comedy did.  The Cubs don’t even win in movies. Yeah, they won in Back to the Future but they didn’t win until the future and I know the creator of the movie was just fucking with us. And they also might have one in that impossibly shitty movie where some twelve year old pitches for the Cubs. That won’t happen though because TWELVE YEAR OLDS DON’T FUCKING PITCH IN THE BIGS. God, that movie sucked.

God, the Cubs suck. I’m done writing. I’m going to go pour alcohol into my eyes to ease the pain.