Hoping to calm a nation whose nerves have been rattled by economic woes, President-elect Barack Obama today delivered the first in a series of numbingly boring speeches designed to put the nation to sleep.
Viewers who were able to remain awake for the entirety of his speech could boil down Mr. Obama's economic plan to two points: stimulate the American economy while tranquilizing the American people.
"The President-elect is well aware that Americans are having trouble sleeping," said chief of staff designee Rahm Emanuel. "These speeches are designed to fix that."
By that criterion, Mr. Obama's speech on economic matters today was a huge success, with over half of his audience losing consciousness five minutes in.
"That speech was a home run," Mr. Emanuel said. "If he gives more speeches like that, you can throw away your Ambien."
But even as Mr. Emanuel was touting his boss's sandman-like oratory, Mr. Obama's Surgeon General nominee, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, offered Americans the following warning: "If you are listening to one of President-elect Obama's speeches on the radio, do not attempt to operate heavy machinery."
Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com.