1) Now You Celia, Now You Don’t
Wow. Things sure changed pretty quickly for Strand and the gang! Who knew that the lady who is completely insane and has no concept of what death means these days wouldn’t take kindly to you shooting her pseudo-son in the face instead of eating her suicide crackers? This situation is so fucked. Bail. She shouldn’t have to kick you out; you should really be able to take one look around and see the wine cellar full of zombies and the table with the kill-yourself Triscuits and have the common sense to hit the eject button. This is exactly like that time a girl told me she didn’t like ice cream on a first date. There was no second date. I didn’t need her to tell me twice. I can read the crazy on the wall just fine.
2) Why Is Nick So Bad At Clothes?
Why is Nick’s most consistent character trait that he is bad at clothes? He finally found some that fit and he still insists on wearing some dead guy’s oversized jacket? And without a shirt underneath it? Nick, there are three types of people who can pull off a jacket with no shirt underneath it: Lifeguards, 37-year-old Puerto Rican cocaine dealers, and 37-year-old Puerto Rican lifeguards who sell a little cocaine on the side. I never claim to have attended any fancy Puerto Rican cocaine-dealing lifeguard university that would make me an authority on the matter, but I’m pretty sure you are none of these.
3) Hero Dad Didn’t Wear Shoes & Speaks No Spanish
But the only person worse than Nick at wearing clothes in this episode would have to be Hero Dad. OK, full disclosure, I have reluctantly learned Travis’ name but Hero Dad is so much more fun to type. I’m going to keep calling him Hero Dad for the time being, it feels right. So Hero Dad sets out on his hero mission to save his (completely worthless and also piece of shit) son but doesn’t take two seconds to put on a pair of shoes? I get uncomfortable walking around in only my socks when I go through Oakland Airport security. You better believe I’m wearing a pair of sneakers if I’m trekking out through the unknown Mexican desert. BUT EQUALLY AS SHOCKING AS HIS LACK OF FOOTWEAR would have to be the fact that Travis, a former school teacher in the Los Angeles public school system, APPEARS TO SPEAK NO SPANISH AT ALL! Can’t even muster a simple “gracias” for a glass of water. He just points at things and speaks in English slower and louder like my step dad ordering at El Torito. I keep telling him our waiter looks like he’s from Glendale and “margarita” and “fajitas” are the same in both languages but I suppose he just wants an authentic dining experience and I don’t have the heart to take it away from him.
4) Blood Brother
It doesn’t take much for Nick to completely cover himself in zombie guts these days. This is clearly his new heroin — it’s all he’s interested in doing. Thanks for bringing another zombie back to the fort, Nick! Exactly what we needed. Let’s see how this one is doing.
WOOF! Oh, well. At least Celia, reigning villa dictator and empress of crazy, seems to be happy and willing to let you guys stay now. Throw him down in the cellar with the rest of them. “Ugh, dog for dinner AGAIN?! We had dog YESTERDAY! This cellar SUCKS.”
5) NICK LOOKED DIRECTLY INTO THE FUCKING CAMERA ARE THEY FOR REAL WITH THIS?!
Everybody on this show, please report directly to film school. This is one of those things they cover on the first day right after making sure the lens cap is off and the camera is on. I should know, I took 4.5 years to earn a completely useless media studies degree. I’ve never even seen a physical copy of my diploma; your guess is as good as mine if I actually graduated.
6) Holes In Different Area Codes
This show, much like the other show I enjoy watching at the same time on the same channel just during different parts of the year, REALLY HAS A BONER for people digging holes. Have you ever dug a hole? It’s a lot of work! And in a zombie day and age where time and labor are scarce commodities I don’t understand why you’d waste an ounce of either digging a hole. Also, what’s so great about being buried? Seems like a pretty boring way to close out your life story. When I die (the way I’m behaving lately, I give myself 12 years tops unless I pump the brakes) please don’t put me in the ground. I want you to strap my carcass to an elephant, jack him up on Adderall and Jolt cola, and let him loose in Manhattan. I’ve had an undeniably good run, but I want one last ride for the road.
7) Did All Those Guts Really Wash Out In A Shower?
Nick. Bro. You may not want that shower water touching your skin because it apparently has next-level industrial-strength bleach and also magic contaminants if it can completely get all that disgusting congealed zombie blood off your clothes and skin instantly. As a matter of fact, you guys are in Mexico. Maybe steer clear of all water. Wash yourself with dirt and snakes, it’s honestly the safer alternative.
8) Salzy Snapped
Traveling with your family can be stressful, and I’m the first person to agree sometimes it makes you want to slice a stranger across the face with a concealed prison blade, but KEEP. IT. TOGETHS. SALZY! It’s slim pickings out on the road (ask Ricky Grimes) and you guys pretty much hit the zombie apocalypse jackpot. Is it cursed land? Probably! Everywhere is cursed. Get over it! Finding land in the zombie apocalypse is a lot like finding a mate in Los Angeles. You’re looking for something uninhabited, good looking, and not cursed but you can only pick two at a time. Choose wisely.
9) Jesus Chris-to
Chris, in case you are wondering why everybody thinks you’re a monster, I don’t think you need to look much further than the fact that you’re holding a tiny child hostage at gunpoint. Seems fairly obvious! Chris, my advice here, and I know this is going to sound harsh (especially considering the actor who plays Chris follows me on Twitter and reads these — what up Lorenzo, it’s been a fun season goofing on you and I’m glad you have a sense of humor especially considering what I’m about to write) but you need to put that gun in your mouth and tell yourself to suck it like a dick. I have a lot of fun ideas for these TV shows and, as has been stated here and here and also here, most of them involve putting a gun in someone ELSE’S mouth and telling them to suck it like a dick. The twist here is you put the gun in YOUR OWN mouth and then you tell YOURSELF to suck it like a dick. And then you eat bullets for brunch and decorate the wall behind you with your brain matter and skull fragments. Some people brighten a room by entering, some people brighten a room by leaving. You’re the latter, get on with it.
10) Nick Is Covered In Blood AGAIN
Where is Nick getting all this blood? Is he killing the house staff and gutting them before they even have a chance to turn? He’s just way too into it. Also, I don’t think Celia would be too stoked to find out about this. I love how he only needs to hear two words from Hero Dad about his creepy son before handing him a knife and wishing him all the best. The only thing that would’ve made it better is if he put the knife to his lips and gently told him to hush.
11) Stop This White On White Crime
As was just covered last zombie week, white subtitles on white fabric is a really dumb and ill-thought out way to present both subtitles and fabric on a show where I can only presume many dozens of people are working hard together to put out a quality product. I’m not asking for much in this life. Please do better as a team. I’m basically a prisoner to these shows for more than 60% of the year at this point, I think legible subtitles falls under the “literally the least you could do” category.
12) Feel The Burn
The villa! The villa! The VILLA’S ON FIRE! We don’t need no aqua, LET THOSE ZOMBIE MOTHERS BURN! Why’d you have to ruin a (kinda sorta, but also totally not) perfectly good thing, Salzy?!? With your face slashings and gasoline burnings? Also, was anyone else reminded of Back To The Future with that through the legs shot?
Back To The Future is a great movie and if this show wants to do Back To The Future stuff more often please know that I’m on board! But how did the whole fucking compound erupt in flames because he poured one Diet Shasta Cola can’s worth of gasoline on the floor in one room?
That really escalated quickly! Maybe Celia’s soup made everyone super gassy and all it took was one loose flame to blow the whole joint. Hey, speaking of Celia, where is Celia? Because unless you actually see someone die on this show, they never die. Maybe she’s hiding under a dumpster! Speaking of which, where’s Salazar? We didn’t see him die so pretty sure he’s still alive too! Speaking of which, WHY DOES THIS SHOW (AND THAT OTHER SHOW THAT IS VERY SIMILAR AND ON THE SAME CHANNEL AT THE SAME TIME JUST DURING DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE YEAR) think this is an effective story telling device? “We made you think they’re dead. Surprise! They’re not dead,” is not effective. It’s trite and pedantic and other words I use often without being certain that I’m using them correctly. I’ll agree to increase my vocabulary as soon as these assclowns promise to start using legitimate storytelling devices instead of hackneyed storytelling gimmicks. I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT LAZY WRITING AS IT IS KIND OF MY WHEELHOUSE. Case and point = I called back to that joke last week.
13) How Did Strand Get Back In?
Didn’t they exile Strand two minutes ago and lock the gate behind him? How’d he manage to instantly get back in with zero problem at all? Did his truck have one of those clicker things that opens the gate? SEEMS LIKE KIND OF A BIG OVERSIGHT TO LET HIM HOLD ON TO THE CLICKER THING. Maybe the clicker thing was built in to the visor on the truck? I would’ve loved to see the awkward scene where six of them try to figure out how to un-program the clicker thing built into the visor. “This clock still hasn’t been programmed for daylight savings time, amigo! I don’t know how they expect us to figure this one out!” They should let me write the dialogue for this show, my rates are fair and I think my quality speaks for itself.
14) Mid Season Finales Are Garbage
I’ve made this point several times before, so I’ll keep it short, but mid-season finales are complete garbage. AMC has been forcing them on us since the Breaking Bad and Mad Men final seasons and they’re transparent attempts to stretch one piece of intellectual property so AMC can have balanced ad revenues across all four quarters. They don’t make the show better for fans, on the contrary they disrupt the flow of storytelling. Because we hit these climaxes in the middle (not where you’re supposed to place a climax by the way, go back to film school) and then fans are expected to resume caring at the same level a few months later. But we’ve all gotten on with our lives and filled our Sunday evening voids with other media to distract us from the monotony of mortal existence slowly wasted and dreams gone by. Sorry, but that’s the way it zombie is! If you want us to be fully invested, and not forget character names or why we’re expected to care in the first place, just deliver full seasons. Don’t make us wait like this, it sucks and is selfish and also stupid and definitely annoying and you can seriously go fuck yourselves in the ear and nose and eyes if you think it’s a good idea. I’ll say it every time because I guess someone zombie has to. SEE YOU GUYS IN AUGUST! Will Nick spend a whole half season walking around with zombies covered in their blood? I sure hope so. Will Maddison and Strand have a steamy hookup? Probably not, maybe you should pay closer attention if you thought that was on the table. Will Chris continue to be the worst? Yes please! Otherwise I’ll have nothing to write about. HEY, SPEAKING OF STUFF TO WRITE ABOUT! Please stay tuned for (probably) non-TV related articles written by me on FOD every week for the rest of the summer. I don’t know what they’ll be about yet, but I know I’ll keep writing stuff as long as you keep reading it! NONE OF THIS AND MORE on the second half of season two of Fear The Walking Dead!