or

Hello, America.
 
As you all sit biting your nails waiting to find out who the leader of the free world, I merely sit. Because I am not a man, and have no practical use for nails. My name is Tony McCheese, and I'm asking for your attention.
 
Since the early 1970's, we've seen a lot together. We built an empire and a people, stuffed them with garbage and watched them purge themselves of that garbage with different garbage from the same location (I'm looking at you, Snack Wraps). We've seen war, we've been burgled of our burgers, we've seen Morgan Spurlock almost die, and through it all we've banned together under the capable leadership of me, Mayor McCheese. Did a clown facilitate some patchy advertising? There are missteps in every administration, and that is why my runningmate is Officer Big Mac and no longer overintelligent naysayers like the McNugget Buddies.
 
In the final moments of the 2012 election, I ask you to vote for Tony McCheese, a politician who has prompted just as many smiles in children as he has food poisoning. Consider your choices.
I am a sandwich and have a better sense of humor than Mitt Romney. I am the centaur of fast foods and I could draft a more logical tax plan than Obama. Most importantly, I am composed of mere bread and the stitched-together meat of forty different cows and am still more self-aware than Joe Biden. You can do better, America, and you can choose a candidate that won't spoil. 
 
Elizabeth Warren, Jill Stein? Mere dark horse candidates. This year, choose the dark meat candidate.
 
xoxo Mayor McCheese
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