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October 19, 2011


Earlier this morning Dina Lohan issued statement that her daughter had been rushed to Cedar’s-Sinai Medical Center following a several day binge of cocaine, alcohol, and looking into a mirror. “She was just so nervous about the upcoming court date. She felt this was the time she might actually be forced to pay for her crimes.” Lohan’s mother abruptly ended the interview and continued sipping on her Mojito at famed LA hot spot SkyBar at the Mondrian Hotel. The incident is being ruled accidental following a brief investigation. Lt. Robert Allman explained in detail, “she didn’t plan on looking directly into the mirror. The accident only occurred after the door to the medicine cabinet was shut following a frantic search for illegally obtained pharmaceuticals.”

Loved ones have been at Lindsay’s bedside for the past twelve hours however are not expected to stay much longer as the acid should be wearing down by now. “She’s a superhero, she’ll definitely come out stronger from this experience,” said Ginger Allen, longtime friend and sometimes footstool to the star, “her tolerance should at least double.”

The shock of seeing her own face sent the once beautiful actress into a sudden cardiac arrest at approximately 1:15 early Wednesday morning. She was rushed to the nearest hospital but even in this traumatized state could not avoid the paparazzi who had followed the white powdered trail left behind along Santa Monica Boulevard. Ms. Lohan is expected to make a full recovery and even a comeback. Her agent is currently looking for a “The Wrestler” style vehicle that was so successful for Mickey Rourke after the abuse he incurred on his own once attractive face.