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July 07, 2011

As most of you know I watch a lot of Telemundo and Univision. Last night I saw a movie so bad that I sat and watch the whole damn thing from beginning to end. So here's a list of what makes a bad Mexican movie.

1. Somehow, some way the lead character will ride a horse at some point.

2. There is an errant chicken in the background shot.

3. Actors on camera seem surprised when the movie ends.

4. Ahh the boom mic, it can be seen in 60% of the scenes, look for it.

5. When a character uses the phone he uses his index finger to dial. Who the hell does that? The thumb is the only way to go. Just try doing it, you'll see what I mean.

6. And when the phone rings, the character that's supposed to answer is staring at it waiting, as if he's telepathic.

7. Somehow every gunfight occurs in a rock quarry.

8. Actors using firearms that apparently have never shot a gun before, but no matter how bad their skills, they still hit the guy on the roof that falls 3 stories.

9. Every stinking car is a piece of crap. Last night the hero of the movie drove a Corsica. The villain drove a Dodge Dart.

10. The random use of midgets and the need for dogs that have the ability to talk.

11. Random, unexpected and pointless nudity. This is a big plus.

12. The men are ugly and the women are hotter than hell.

13. About 40% of the movies take place in a strip club at some point.

14. I always see a picture of the Virgin Mary at some point.

15. Black people that speak Spanish. They add that in because it's totally odd to see a brother speaking Spanish.