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October 08, 2012

A guide on how to dance if you suffer from crippling social awkwardness


An Awkward Person’s Guide to Dance

I’m not an average dancer. I’m not a great dancer. I’m not even a bad dancer. I am an atrocious dancer. I dance like a crippled toddler that is undergoing severe psychosis due to taking an extreme amount of PCP. So, what makes me qualified to write a guide on dancing for awkward people? Pretty much nothing, but reading this guide might ensure that your dancing doesn’t resemble the movements of a drunken three-legged squrill.

Important Note: If women flock to you when you dance and you can go a day without self-loathing, the tips in this guide do not apply to you.

Tip #1: Don’t Actually Try Real Dance Moves.

If you know you’re awkward and you know you can’t dance, for the love of all that is holy, do not attempt real dance moves.  When an awkward person like me actually attempts actual dance moves, people often mistake it for a medical emergency. If a person has ever mistaken your attempt at breakdancing as an epileptic seizure, this means that you should never attempt to pull off an actual dance move again. Nothing ruins a night more than calling an ambulance because someone is having an apparent stroke only to find out they really just can’t do the Macarena very well.

Tip #2: Don’t cry.

Dancing isn’t supposed to be upsetting, but when a cute girl approaches you and asks you if you learned your dance moves at a mental health facility, it really can feel like being stabbed in the soul. You can’t cry though, because do you want to be that guy who stands alone in the middle of the dance floor sobbing to himself while Justin Bieber is playing? I doubt you do. Just hold in the pain and cry when you get home.

Tip #3: Don’t Ever Play an Air Instrument.

The easiest way to spot an awkward dancer is if they play an air instrument. I know this because I play air instruments a highly depressing amount.  Sometimes I play air instruments to songs that don’t even employ that instrument. One time I played air guitar to a Rihanna song. Has a Rihanna song ever employed air guitar? I highly doubt it. I’m lucky I didn’t get murdered for doing that. Women treat my air guitar like herpes.

I’ve never seen people walk towards a person playing an air instrument. They just walk away slowly. I once saw a woman literally run away from some guy that was playing air drums behind her. He wasn’t even a bad air drummer. In fact, he was pretty damn awesome. He was the Neil Peart of air drums. If the Neil Peart of air drums scared a woman away, then you have to know that your air instrument playing will too.

Tip #4: Limit Alcohol Intake

Personally, alcohol makes me feel a little bit more confident while dancing and that in turn makes me feel less awkward. It doesn’t actually change anything though. My dancing still sucks and I have the sex appeal of an even whiter Pillsbury Doughboy.

It’s a universal truth. Alcohol never makes anybody better at dancing and it definitely doesn’t increase sex appeal.  All alcohol does is give you a bit more confidence to dance. If you drink too much and actually think you are a good dancer the only thing that can result is a bruised backbone and a sexual harassment lawsuit. Alcohol can really be a terrible thing because it leads to trying actual dance moves, air instrument playing and most likely tears.

Tip #5: Don’t Try to Be Sexy

Some people have animal magnetism. They’re appealing to the opposite sex. They can somehow move their body in a way that doesn’t resemble an alcoholic penguin walking on ice. I hate these people.

I have danced with women before and I feel bad for every single one of them. I never know what in the hell I am supposed to do. Do I grab their hips? Do I raise my hands? Do I apologize for ruining this woman’s sex drive for the next twenty years? I never know what to do so then I’ll just start talking.

I’ll say things like:

“Dancing sure is fun, huh.”

“What a nice song.”

“I hope I’m not making you uncomfortable.”

Sexy, right?

Awkward men trying to sexy dance is the most effective form of birth control available.

Tip #6: Don’t Wear a Plain White T-Shirt

Think you’re awkward enough on a dance floor wearing normal clothes? Just wait until the world can see your hairy stomach through a sweaty shirt.