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July 05, 2009


I have to tell you, people who ride the trains, which, by nature, is an innately impersonal space, need to start respecting one another a bit more. Sure, there are "rules" we're supposed to follow; No open containers, no eating, no drinking, etc. But, I don't see Patrolman Pat walking around making sure people follow them. The rules are simply there as guidelines, unenforced, but necessary. Well people, I'd like to add to those list of regulations.
  1. One Ass Per Seat. Yes, that's right. If your thickened rump does not settle comfortably in the meniscus of the seat, then you may as well stand.
  2. One Ass Per Seat. Seriously. That's the rule. I'm not sure why you find it necessary to put down your friend Louis V. on the seat beside you, when there's a perfectly good place for him on your lap. There's absolutely no need for anyone's bag to take up a seat, when there are actual human beings standing (who, by the way, are too chicken shit to tell you to move your crap.)
  3. Always walk on the right side of the staircase, never on the left. Yea, you got your license, you know what's up.
  4. Do NOT cough or sneeze on people. For Pete's Sake -- ever heard of airborne viruses??
  5. When you're standing, and you hold onto the pole, hold on tight. If my hand is below yours, I'm really not going to be in the mood for your germy digits to slowly slide down the poll and meet mine. Nuh, uh - not happening.
  6. On the topic of the pole, it's for people's hands, NOT your entire dorsal region. Stop leaning your ass against it...that's what the doors are for.
  7. Let people get off the train before you get on. Trust me, you're more likely to find a seat that way.
  8. Stop preaching to me. I'm not interested on whether you witnessed Jehovah at 8 o'clock in the morning.
  9. I don't give a shit if you want to put your feet on the seats - like, at all. But if my fat ass (albeit still small enough to fit in ONE seat) wants to sit down, you should probably move those hound dogs.
  10. Stop walking slowly - walk at a normal pace, it's not that difficult. Everyone has places to be -- THAT'S what New York City is all about. If you can't handle it, move to Kalamazoo and tell my love, Matt Giraud, I say "hello."
  11. Entertain your fellow passengers: Bring your instrument or dance moves. I highly encourage working your way up from the bottom, generally throughout life. I think people should get good things when they give things. As my mom always says, "When you give, you get." So, bring it on, aspiring musicians and dancers! One time, there was a full out reggae band on my subway car to the PATH and I couldn't have been in a better mood after I got out of that train. Though, according to my friend, John Bellavia, you need to have a permit by the state to perform in subway stations. Who knew?
  12. Do NOT - I repeat DO NOT - stop in the middle of your strut. I can't count the endless amount of times I've bumped into someone because they just straight up stop like those weird goats I once saw a video of. You know the ones I'm talking about? They run really fast and then just freeze and fall over?
Anyone else feelin' what I'm sayin' here??

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