As I have given advice in the past in the form of a Walk of Shame Guide to help out newcomers who are looking to have a little fun, I have decided to write a series of articles dedicated to my walk of shames. Well, fuck, I have a lot – so, blogs dedicated to the ones that are particularly embarrassing, funny, and outrageous.
This post is the first in the series. Enjoy!
Place: Buffalo, New York
Date: November 26, 2009
Date: November 26, 2009
“Jeffrey. Jeffrey. JEFFREY!” I heard a voice scream from another room. “I have asked you enough times already. It is time to get up!”
What the fuck? I thought to myself. I stayed in the city last night. How did I get to my mother’s house?
“Mom, let me sleep. I’m too tired. I’ll get up soon.”
The door opened and someone walked into the room. I lifted my pounding head from the bed and looked at an old woman who I had never seen in my life before. She told me that the room smelled “disgusting” and “like a brothel.” I looked around. Funny enough, I’ve never seen this room before, either.
“Where am I and how do you know my name?!” I demanded, of course, overly dramatic.
Just then, a guy I vaguely recognized walked into the room. A few million thoughts went through my head, I think I gasped, and I covered myself with the blanket.
“Oh, there you are, Jeffrey” she said. “Where did you sleep?”
The two talked small talked like two school bitches when I was left to hide under the covers. And when I said school bitches, I mean it was a grandmother and grandson getting to the bottom of why a stranger was in their house.
“Is your new friend staying for dinner?” she asked.
“I don’t think so. He has to get home to his family.” He replied.
“Well, he might as well stay. Everyone is already here and we are about to cut the turkey.”
Oh my god. The turkey?
I felt for my stuff on the night stand next to me while still hiding under the covers. I found my phone. Just what I expected. Eleven missed calls and fifteen text messages: 2:53PM on Thanksgiving. I was supposed to be to my mothers’ house at 10AM.
I gain my composure. I grab clothes that aren’t even mine and put them on. I make sure I have my cell phone and keys and give two shits about everything else.
“Can you please drive me home?” I ask. “I need to go right away.”
“Sure,” he responds.
Grandma pipes in and asks if I live close to here.
“Maybe? Where are we?”
Have you ever done a walk of shame past an entire family on Thanksgiving morning? It was probably one of the most embarrassing moments of my life thus far. And it gets better.
Flash forward two years. I am a senior at Canisius College and have slept in every dorm on campus, even though I got my own apartment Sophomore year. Anyways, I’m about to head to class when I check my email. I see one from my friend.
Good morning! I was reading CNN earlier and if I do recall, didn’t you fuck this guy on Thanksgiving? See you for lunch!
I click the link and gasp. While I will not get into specifics, it turns out I slept with a family member of one of the most conservative and homophobic Republican politicians in New York State history. Oh my god, I thought, I wonder if The Advocate will take away my internship if they catch wind of this?
Well, I suppose I can at least say that I tried to sway the opposition, right?
Please note that while I joke about a lot of stuff, make sure you are following safe sex practices and are in safe situations when you decide to go home with someone. And above all, make sure you have some great friends to gossip with.
“(Name withheld), I’m still embarrassed about this,” I told a friend a few months later. “You banged a Buffalo Sabre and (name withheld) had sex with someone with an Academy Award. And all I got was some D-list politicians family member.”
I sighed as if this was one of the most pressing concerns in the world.
“Well, you know what they say,” she said with a smile. “You gotta start somewhere.”