1) No Jesus On Easter

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Let’s just start with the glaring elephant in the zombie room. How are you going to have an episode air on Easter and not feature the character named Jesus? The cold open should’ve just been Jesus bending down to pick up some eggs at Hilltop and then when he stands up a nameless guard with a spear casually remarks, “Jesus has risen,” and cue the music. Honestly, how hard is your job, show runners? Way to brick a layup.

2) Carol Tuning This Guy Out

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I feel you, Carol. I also zone out every time That Guy starts talking. He opens his mouth and I swear all I can hear is ocean noise and wind chimes. Someone please make a three minute “Best Of That Guy” super cut (I am never learning his name) so I can quickly get to sleep anytime I’m laying awake at night pondering life’s big questions. Like the other day I saw a guy wearing a Fitbit t-shirt, but not an actual Fitbit. How are you going to love Fitbit enough to rock a t-shirt, but not the device? Maybe he just loves free t-shirts? I’ve been thinking about this person pretty much non-stop since I saw him, I need answers and I really am losing sleep over it.

3) Showering With Someone Else Sucks

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Sorry, Hollywood. NOT BUYING IT. Every time I see a happy couple showering together it instantly pulls me out of the scene because showering with another human actually sucks. Are there some fun things about it? Sure! I zombie guess. Being consensually naked with someone is usually a good time. But mostly you just stand there freezing waiting to get the shampoo out of your hair while you learn the person you thought to be kind and generous is actually a water hog of the worst variety. And don’t even get me started on the lies in the media regarding sex in hot tubs. When everything is wet, nothing is wet. Really chew on that for a minute.

4) Sad Max: The Road Warrior

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Solid car choice, Carol. Way to maintain a low profile. Nothing says, “I’m starting a new life of peace,” like a beater with spikes through it that looks like something out of Twisted Metal. And I love how these guys tell her she shouldn’t be out here alone. Uh, fellas, you shouldn’t be out here alone with Carol! That’s hazardous to your health! It’s like sitting in the splash zone at Sea World, you can’t exactly act surprised when your socks get wet.

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Look at how sad you made Carol Nancy because she knows she has to kill you now. With her sleeve gun? Did anyone else have some unanswered questions about how, exactly, Carol’s sleeve gun works? Anyway, Sleeve Gun is definitely my new favorite character because Sleeve Gun is both bold and also dynamic and I can’t wait to see what happens with Sleeve Gun in the season finale next week!

5) (YET ANOTHER) ROAAADDD TRRRIIIIIPPP

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For a group that has been through a lot and worked really hard to find a settlement with walls, security, shelter, running water, food, haircuts, Xbox, and helium THEY SURE DO LIKE LEAVING ALL THAT BEHIND! Rick, I’m not sure your micro-speech instructing nobody to leave town got the job done because every single person left including you. You guys just started a war with a group that seems to have infinite manpower. You are almost certain they’re going to come after you for violent retribution. Is this really an opportune time to take all your best soldiers on the road and leave Carl, Father Gabriel, Eugene, and Abraham back home to guard everything? That’s not exactly a dream defense team. It’s pretty much just Abe and his three human shields. Also, Rick, I’m going to disagree with your statement that this world hasn’t pulled you down. You’re covered in another man’s blood every 10 minutes. You just asked some guy, “Where is she?” and stabbed him in his brain because he didn’t answer you in two seconds. You’ve been pulled about as down as it gets. You’re below ground at this point.

6) Let’s Stop Having Loud Arguments In The Woods

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This is the third week in a row that members of our spry murder troop have decided to have a loud conversation in the woods and get subsequently surrounded by enemies with guns. This is both extremely lazy writing (I should know, lazy writing is kind of my wheelhouse.) but also just super dumb. This most recent ambush happened just STEPS AWAY from the last one! It’s like sitting in the splash zone at Sea World! You can’t exactly act surprised when your socks get wet! Lazy writing is kind of my wheelhouse.

7) Morgan’s Not Getting Through To Rick

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Do you see Rick’s face right now, Morgan? I don’t think you’re getting through to him. Also, Morgan’s logic has more holes in it than strip club condoms during NBA All-Star Weekend. If Morgan didn’t spare that Wolf in the first place, the Wolf wouldn’t have taken Doctor Lady hostage and then she wouldn’t have needed to be rescued. Also, did that condom joke land? The implication was that strippers poke holes in condoms during All-Star Weekend in the hopes of landing a paycheck baby from a rich athlete. I spent maybe five minutes trying to think of a thing that has a lot of holes and that was the best I could do. Lazy writing! It is kind of my wheelhouse.

8) Protein Bar Story Arc Resolution

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They finally got all none of our letters and gave the fans what they wanted: Closure on that protein bar story arc that literally everyone forgot about and nobody cared about in the first place. Welcome to season six of The Walking Dead. Our most compelling story lines feature a goat, a pasta maker, and a protein bar! This is the most viewed show on cable television.

9) New Look, New Maggie

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Maggie is really embracing her role as an expecting mother with that haircut. That’s a real, “Let me speak to your manager,” cut if I’ve ever seen one. Maggie’s looking like she’s ready to shut it down at Pottery Barn and pick up the kids from soccer practice in the same damn afternoon with that haircut. Good for you, Maggie!

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OH GOD. OH NO. NOOOOO! NEVER MIND! BABY DIDN’T LIKE THE HAIRCUT. PUT THE HAIR BACK ON YOUR HEAD, MAGGIE! There’s some Elmer’s glue and scotch tape in the supply shed, we can make this right!

10) Please Stop With The Blood Spatter On The Camera

Daryl is not dead. Just going to open this by saying, duh, Daryl is not dead. The show keeps doing these death fake outs and it’s so clear and obvious at this point. Cut it out! When Daryl dies there will be a two minute sequence with super cheesy music and slow motion facial reaction shots with no dialogue because that’s exactly what happens every time a main character dies. But what I am substantially more concerned with is this blood on the screen thing that they just keep doing and then doing again and OH BROTHER, make it stop! Hey, speaking of making it stop, the season finale is next week! You guys! We did it, you guys! We almost made it through another season of this show that I like (I read all your comments everywhere, reminder that I do like this show) and I can’t wait to see how they don’t wrap up a lot of stuff! Who will die? Probably somebody because that’s what always happens. Will we finally meet Negan? Yes! Probably in the last two seconds of the episode because that’s what always happens. Will I be writing recap articles for Fear The Walking Dead when it starts back up? YOU KNOW IT. None of this and more on the season finale s06e16 of The Walking Dead!

Bonus Edit: The Apple Scene

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I never do this, but I read some comments on Facebook (I read all the comments) asking why this scene wasn’t mentioned so here you go! Believe me, I recognized this apple scene was super weird and uncomfortable for a variety of reasons (who eats an apple in bed, who shares an apple, heavy handed Adam & Eve symbolism, off camera chewing sfx, etc.) and I had it in my first draft but decided to cut it for article length. Because if I mentioned every ridiculous thing on this show we would be here all zombie day! But the people have spoken and you wanted this acknowledged so here you go. See you next week!

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