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August 15, 2016
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We answer questions like, "Is it bad for Trump if his campaign chairman received $12 million in cash in a secret ledger?"

What Exactly Happened?

Donald Trump’s campaign chairman, Paul Manafort, came under fire after it was discovered that he may have received off the books cash payments from ousted Ukrainian President Viktor Yanukovych of Ukraine. In a secret “black” ledger Yanukovych earmarked $12 million dollars in cash for Manafort for unspecified services. Manafort had done campaign work for Yanukovych before coming back to work in the United States, and maintains he received no illegal payments. However in the finances that have come to light suggest otherwise. This is especially troubling given the Trump campaign’s open embrace of Putin and potentially illegal activities like hacking, state-sponsored assassination, and invasion of contested territory.

Yikes.

Yea it’s frigging nuts.

So what the heck?

Well it could be that Manafort (as he maintains) never actually received any of the earmarked money, but at the same time you don’t get into the black ledgers of Putin’s allies for doing nothing, ya know? I mean it’s one thing to be on a black ledger…but get on a black ledger near Putin and you might as well get yourself on a LEDGE-er, if you know what I’m saying. (What I’m saying is you gotta jump off that ledge cuz you’re screwed).

Yea, totally. Also wait–what the heck is Ukraine? It’s a country, right?

Great question. Ukraine is a former Soviet Country and now it’s not. I think? I dunno Russia and Ukraine really got into it a few years ago about who it belonged to and then Russia went ahead and invaded Ukraine with the aid of Yanukovych causing an international crisis and serious concerns about the sovereignty of former USSR satellites.

But that was right when Kanye and Kim got married so I was mostly paying attention to that. Oh and Ellen selfie. Remember the Ellen selfie? That was NUTS. How’d she get everyone into that dang picture?

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Anyway it’s in Eastern Europe, I’m pretty sure. Or at least in Europe. It’s somewhere in Europe and maybe even Asia.

Ukraine used to be called “The Ukraine.” Why did they drop the “the”?

Definitely a a P. Diddy / Puff Daddy scenario where it was just trying too hard to get a nickname to stick, and then eventually they just had to let it go and accept who they are. Sometimes it’s hard to get the world to see you the way you want to be seen, and it takes strength to stop fighting who you really are.

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I mean the gist of it is everyone did a very job translating the country name into English (it means “borderland”)–by dropping the article the association with Russian also was dropped, thus cementing linguistically it’s separation from Russia.

Or something.

What does this all this mean for the upcoming election?

Much like Donald Trump, I’m no foreign policy expert, but it’s definitely not a good thing.

Luckily most Americans don’t know anything about foreign policy.

Most likely it will be just another drop in the bucket of ignorance and sludge that is Donald Trump’s fucking insane campaign and fade into the mind numbing oblivion of twisted garbage that we’ve been subjected to the past year.

What’s cooler than 12 million dollars?

12 BILLION dollars. Or not being involved in secret dealings of a corrupt foreign power. Six of one, half a dozen of another.

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