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October 12, 2011

Ninjas have been kicking ass since the dawn of time.

Americans love television, McRibs, explosions, professional wrestling, celebrities and more McRibs, but at the top of that list are ninjas. Why? Because there's no reason not to love ninjas. They're the original freedom fighters and get more girls in one afternoon than Fabio in a lifetime.

However, not much is known about these deadly assassins. Mainly because every time someone starts writing about them, they get a poison dart in neck (I wrote this article in a secret bunker).

The technique of Ninjutsu revolves around ensuring that your opponent never knows of your existence... until it's too late and they're cursing you the fire of 10,000 dragons. Let's do a brief rundown of the history of these deadly shadows of the night.


500 A.D. Prince Shotoku used boy spies to get the scoop on his rivals. The boys didn't have any expert training, but picked up martial arts skills along the way. For their service they were payed in Pokemon cards. Yea, Pokemon is that old.

900 A.D. The first throwing star or shuriken is invented when a couple guys trashed on sake weld knife blades together. They were later revealed to be ancestors of MacGyver.

1100 A.D. The black plague sweeps Europe killing millions. Ninjas embrace the plague to build up their immune system.

1250 A.D. Samurais were all the rage because they fought with honor and were entitled to pretty much any Geisha they wanted. Kinda like Tom Cruise circa 1994... everybody wanted a piece. This was the ninjas time to rise up and take the jobs samurais were too good for. You need someone to burn down the lord's palace and poison his wife? Ninja for hire!

1492 A.D. Christopher Columbus searches for a route to the West Indies, stumbles upon a group of ninjas who threaten to kick his ass, turns around and bam! America is discovered.

1687 A.D. Ninjas discover the law of Gravity, but feel sorry for Sir Isaac Newton and throw him a bone. Thus marking the only known case in history of a ninja showing mercy.

1865 A.D. President Lincoln is assassinated not by John Wilkes Booth, but by a ninja. Ninjas framed Booth because he was such a crumby actor.

1940-1945 WWII engulfs Europe and Asia. Hitler originally tried hiring ninjas, but they weren't down with that whole genocide agenda. Ninjas have limits.

1960 The Internet is invented by ninjas. Al Gore tries to claim credit and a bounty is put on his head.

1998 Mega search engine Google is created, the first word "googled"... yep, "ninja".

After this point things seem to get a little fuzzy, lots of horrible things going down - Sept 11th, the BP oil spill, Darfur, Jersey Shore. More than likely ninjas are either behind all of these catastrophes or working to right a wrong. That's the thing with ninjas, you never can tell which side they're on until it's too late and you've got a katana upside your head.  Some believe they've actually gotten bored with kicking ass on this planet and ventured into outer space to whoop up on some martians. Only time will tell.