Listen, I know you’ve already judged me. You’ve seen the video of me “attacking” that surfer at a South African surfing competition over the weekend and have come to the conclusion that I’m some kind of blood-thirsty sea-beast. I’m not! And I’d like to set the record straight: I was just trying to impress my girlfriend.
You gotta understand, Amy and I have been just friends for about a year and I’ve been in love with her the whole time. Amy is the most beautiful shark I’ve ever met. From her high cheek cartilage to her perfectly curved pectoral fins to her big juicy butt, she is truly a goddess among sharks. AND she’s funny and smart and all that too, of course.
But she’s always gone for chill cool dudes in the past and, honestly, I can be a little square. So I was worried I had punched my one-way ticket to the friend zone a long time ago. Until one night last week we were at a dinner party with a group of friends, devouring a beluga whale and drinking some Coors Banquet beers that a human had chucked into the ocean. One by one, our friends all left to go home until it was just me and Amy. We were having so much fun! At one point I made two whale bones jut out of my mouth like tusks and shouted, “ARF! ARF!” (yes, even other sea animals think walruses are goofy and hilarious). Amy laughed so hard oxygen shot out of her nose.
Now, I’m sure good ol’ lady alcohol had a lot to do with it, but eventually we hooked up. We actually got really close to going all the way, I was slapping her big fat ass with both my fins and she was giving me an over-the-pants hand job (I’m a pretty conservative shark and that includes some insecurity with my body, so I wear slacks). Ironically, it was me who stopped things before we had full-on shark sex. At the time I was sure this was just the beginning of our romantic relationship and I didn’t want our first time to be in an alcoholic, Coors Banquet beer-y haze.
To get to the next level, though, I was convinced I had to show her I can be a chill cool dude like the other sharks she’s dated.
First, I started smoking weed. I loved getting high, man. Water bongs, edibles, I loved it all. But I met Amy once after getting super high and every time it would be my turn to talk I’d start freaking out a little and couldn’t think of anything to say. I decided to stay away from pot till things with Amy had progressed.
Then last weekend Amy and I were swimming around South Africa and I decided to go for it and ask if she wanted to be boyfriend/girlfriend, like, officially. Right before I was about to lay it all on the line I saw an Australian surfer, the most chill creature on Earth.
I figured if I could show Amy that I’m friends with an Australian surfer she’d think I’m pretty cool too. So, thinking quickly, I shouted, “Oh hey Troy! Look, Amy, it’s my old friend Troy. The surfer! He’s a surfer and my friend!” Amy was impressed and right before I swam up to the surfer she said, “Oh, an Australian surfer? I have such a cool boyfriend.” As you might guess, I swam up to the surfer on cloud nine.
I tried to whisper to him “Hey man, be cool, please just say your name is Troy, give me a hug, and act like we’re old friends…” and then WHACK. I get punched in the side.
I played it off like we’re the kind of buddies that punch each other in the shoulder and call each other pussies and stuff like that. So I whispered to the surfer again, “Dude, I will literally give you hundreds of my old teeth for a new necklace if you just chill out and pretend I’m your friend for two minutes. I swear!”
See, now, this is something the surfer who claims I attacked him didn’t tell you. He accepted all those teeth for a bitching new necklace and then punched me in the snout again and swam away. He KNEW what I was doing and instead of being a cool guy and playing along, he swam away and went on to play victim for the media. Big bro-code no-no if you ask me.
After the surfer left I could hardly face Amy. I made a real walrus out of myself and we both knew it. We swam back home in silence and I kissed her on her cold, uninterested cheek before she swam inside the underwater cave that she lives in with her two friends Sarah and Jennifer (who HATE me by the way, but that’s a whole other story).
I haven’t heard back from Amy since.