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November 28, 2008
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When people at work piss me off and make me frustrated, sometimes I have to sit back and chill, and be thankful I'm not working a worse job.  Below is a list of jobs I could not do unless my next meal depended on it.  If anyone who reads this has chosen one of the occupations below, please don't be insulted.  It just means you are a better person than me.

  1. Fitted Sheet Folder - When I get a new set of sheets, I some times wonder who is in charge of folding the fitted sheets.  While I'm sure this is accomplished by a machine, sometime in this lifetime, someone somewhere had to do it.  I can't even fold one fitted sheet when I do the laundry.  Hell, I can barely fold the flat sheet right.  I've tried every trick that the few people in this world I know who can fold the sheets have taught me.  Fold here, tuck there.  I usually just say F*** it and wad it into a ball.  I've grown to love the wrinkles and am just fine with them.  I will say that I have to wash them more often after having watched the Clorox Bleach commercial that shows the guy trying to dive head first into his bed only to be stopped mid-air and told he is pouncing into "body soil".  Nasty.
  2. Pedicurist - I can't help it.  I have a thing about feet.  Unless I have carnal knowledge of you, I don't want to touch your feet.  I'm talking keep your scaly, snatch-a-salmon-swimming-upstream-eagle-talons away from me.  I'm grossed out just typing this.  That merges with my other pet peeve which is just plain dirty feet.  I can't stand for my feet to get dirty, so I wear socks everywhere.  If I go outside, I have to have some kind of shoe on.  If my house ever catches on fire, I'm screwed.  I'll be burned alive or overcome by smoke inhalation because I'm the idiot who stayed inside to search for a pair of shoes to wear outside.  I can't stand to see the bottoms of other people's feet all dirty either.  If you are going to the store, wear shoes.  If you are okay with dirty feet, please don't wear flip-flops.  I will be forced to talk about you if I am out with friends.  And above all else, please don't go into a public bathroom with bare feet.  This is just absolutely wrong.  You would probably do better to lick the toilet seat than to walk around in there, at least the seat has a slightly higher probability of being recently cleaned.  I do not understand how people can go in a public bathroom barefoot and then do the "pee-pee stance" to avoid sitting on the seat.  Just go for it.  You probably already caught necrotizing faciaitis the second you walked in, so do it up big.
  3. Podiatrist (Foot Doctor) - See number 2.  If I were forced to do one or the other, it would be the pedicurist...at least they wash your feet first.  At the foot doctor, they are first hand all up in stinky feet all day long.
  4. Spokesperson for a Herpes drug - Need I elaborate on this?  Their dating life must be awesome.
  5. The Head Lab Tech who tests stool samples - Since I've already covered my aversion to public restrooms and going "boom-boom" in public, it's safe to say I wouldn't even GIVE a stool sample let alone process one.  I'd be fired within the first thirty seconds of my first day when I open the lid on one of those stinkers.  I'd probably puke into it and contaminate the sample.
  6. Stable Cleaner for the Budweiser Clydesdales - Those are some big ass horses, so I know they take some big ass dumps.  There's probably not enough free beer in the world to get me drunk enough to shovel that shit. (Pardon the pun)
  7. Makeup Artist On a Porno Set - Sure, it seems all glamourous at first until it's time to powder some chick's vajayjay and bunghole.  And I'm sure they are in charge of waxing to boot.  Anyone who has watched porn knows that the girl parts are not that pretty.  Especially when they've been used over and over in the same day.  It's a fantasy and we know it.  This leads to....
  8. Full time bikini waxer - I'm sure the money is great since they cost so much, but I would not want to be all up in somebody's business and discussing how wide they want their landing strip.  I especially wouldn't want this job near the end of the day.  I think that is self-explainitory.  The only fun part of this job would be the ability to inflict pain on whomever pisses you off prior to take off (so to speak).
  9. Butt Dermatologist - Someone has to keep those porn asses free of zits, and that ain't me.  And finally...
  10. Crack Whore - Even if my last meal and the procreation of man-kind depended on it, I would not be a crack whore (or crack wench for those of you in Europe).  A high-priced escort I would consider (briefly), but not the kind of hooker who stands on a corner.  I am such a germophobe, I would be broke from buying clorox and handiwipes.  I watched an HBO special that followed several hookers around their 'hood for a few nights.  For $10, they would sucky sucky anybody that asked.  Some of these guys looked like they had just finished working on a roof in 120 degrees of hot in the middle of Arizona and just popped over for a BJ.  Oh my damn.  I couldn't do that for a million dollars, and my luck the dude would give me a check and it would bounce (afterall, crack clouds your judgement).  Just the thought of one of those sweaty ass guys wanting me to love them long time makes my skin crawl.  At least the high paid call girls get clean guys.  If not, they can make them take a shower first.  If they are ugly, so be it.  Throw a pillow over their face and tell them it will make the experience better.

So that's it.  My list of jobs I'm glad I don't have.  What are yours?

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