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Stats & Data

January 15, 2012

Just as suspected, the Green Bay receiving corps is nothing but a bunch of well-tuned robots.

The Green Bay Packers have been referred to as a wide receiver factory because of the plethora of options quarterback Aaron Rodgers has to throw the ball to.

But yesterday morning, a group of hikers stumbled across an unmarked building along the coast of Green Bay, Wisconsin. As the group continued along their hike, a man who appeared to be Packers receiver Jordy Nelson emerged from the building. One of the hikers, Gordon Strong, a lifelong Packers fan approached who he thought was the third-year wideout. “When I looked over, I saw Jordy Nelson. So I ran over to him and told him how much my son loved him and asked for an autograph.” said Strong. “But then he just looked at me and shouted ‘verbal cue programming incomplete’. And then he fell over and somebody ran out of the building and dragged him back in. I ran away screaming.”

Strong and his group ran to a police station and notified the authorities of what Strong had seen. “We told them about the building, and Jordy Nelson” said Strong, “and they immediately threatened to have us arrested for trespassing unless we vowed to silence and to never go back”. But the silence wouldn’t last for long. This morning at noon, Green Bay mayor Jim Schmitt addressed the public amidst pressures from public relations personnel. “The Green Bay area has great pride in it’s magnificent pro football dynasty, The Packers. We, as citizens of this city must do what we can to ensure its success. That is why, for the past 5 years, the city of Green Bay has been owning and operating a wide receiver factory, manufacturing top-quality models such as the Greg Jennings and the Donald Driver.”

The company in charge of the factory, Lambeau Limbs Ltd., currently produces seven different models. President Garth Mosley says the success of the Packers has led to his company being contacted about possible new locations in cities such as San Fransisco and Chicago, who are in desperate need of the services they provide. “We are the world’s only provider of professional receiverbots. Right now, our best model is the Greg Jennings. We have been doing our best to keep our original model, the Donald Driver in usable condition, but it’s only a matter of time before the supply exceeds the demand.” explains Mosley. “Our Jordy Nelson model has been surprisingly popular, and once the Driver model becomes obsolete, it’s fair to assume the Nelson receiverbot could match the production of the Jennings receiverbot. We’ve just recently branched into the tight-endbot category with our Jermichael Finley model, but it’s tough to build a tight-endbot when you’ve been making receiverbots your entire career. So the Finley model is more of a hybrid between the tight-end and wide receiver position. We call it the tide-endeiver. We’re still fixing some of the catching problems.”

Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers, said he’s known of the factory the entire time it’s been in existence. “Why do you think they were so quick to let [former packers QB] Brett [Favre] leave?” said Rodgers. “It’s because he wasn’t cool with the factory!” Rodgers says that every week, he is contacted by Lambeau Limbs and informed of which model of receiverbot has achieved the highest results in the performance tests run at the factory. “Whichever new model scored the highest is the one I throw to the most. It’s a delicate system.” Last season, Lambeau Limbs was considering discontinuing production of the James Jones model due to a lack of on-field production. Rodgers publicly express his desire to keep the model on the assembly line. “The James Jones model consistently scores the best in big-play simulations” explained Rodgers. “It was selfish of me to have been ignoring the factory’s results. Their numbers are solid.” The past season has thus been the most productive for the Jones model.

The receiver factory may seem to some like cheating. But then again, cheating is as integral a part of the game as helmet-to-helmet contact. And so, the factory will continue designing new models for the Packers. Its newest model, the Randall Cobb, has found a spot as the team’s kick returner and may soon be upgraded to wide-receiver once the factory finds a way to hush durability concerns. “We plan on reinforcing the titanium of the Cobb. We’re really excited about it’s athleticism.” says Mosley. “The future of Lambeau Limbs Packer-quality receiverbots is endless”.