Being married or in a long-term relationship is a blessing and a curse. But often, and for many, it’s a curse. A dreary and soul crushing curse that sucks the life force from you one day at a time. A great relationship requires work, effort, lots of patience, and infinite understanding to succeed, of which most of lack therefore making them close to impossible. After a good number of years together, some couples start becoming more friends and less lovers, and some drift apart due to conflicting work schedules and separate interests. Some just learn to hate each other under a seething bed of resentment, hurt and regret. But there are things we can do to prolong the denial, so we can work on keeping the imaginary spark alive that died 5 years ago when you caught him wanking over dwarf porn! Being alone is a scary thing, and if you need unhealthy ways to ensure your denial and fear allow you to keep pretending, then I am here to help. This is what do. It’s a tricky balance of being well aware of the empty abyss which is ones marriage and then the required pretence, avoidance and ongoing wilful ignorance to uphold it.
Pretend to Respect each other.
First and foremost, we have to understand that people in a marriage, long-term relationship, etc. need to respect each other’s individuality. Yet you may have lost respect for them because they just let themselves go, or at 45 he still seems unable to break mummy’s emotional umbilical cord, or maybe the fact he is just a narcissistic man-baby, the reasons could be endless. It is not about wanting to change your partner and telling them what to do and what not to do. You tried that shit. They just don’t listen or don’t care. It is about pretending to accept the other person exactly as he or she is, even if deep down you even hate the way he breathes. Remember why you got together in the first place and the qualities that attracted you to your partner? Remember that today they possess close to zero of those qualities and somehow blame that you by being hateful nag. I still cherish the moment I met my husband, I just resent all the other moments that follow.
Don’t develop a joint plan and make memories together, but pretend to at least
Maybe both of you would like to renovate the house? Yet since he has lost his job and can barley hammer a nail, that dream you both have is flushed down the toilet, a toilet—mind you—he still hasn’t fixed stop making that annoying noise. Some may tell you to keep that love alive visit every single restaurant to find the best burger in your city, which is both bad diet advice, financial advice and just watching him eat make things worse, now it’s all on your pay check. Yet you do need some lame fantasy to hold the precarious strings of you ruined relationship together. Popping out another baby has always worked for many, so consider that. Just grit your teeth and do the minimum. Drinking helps but you will need to drink a lot, possible daily.
Fail at writing a joint bucket list.
My husband and I have our own bucket lists, but we have decided to try finding items from them that we can do together. Turns out we couldn’t find any, other than the insurance policy on each other’s death. In my case, I am much more of an outdoor explorer and extreme-sport enthusiast, but he is not and re-watching all seasons of Lost or snorting coke off a Russian prostitute’s butt just doesn’t make my list. Therefore, we have discussed trips and activities that we enjoy without each other. This great way to avoid each other completely, whilst pretending it’s all under the umbrella of “me time.” “Me time” is a better and more amicable term for “get away from that fat bastard I hate and resent” time.
Keep fanning that flame of fake love…
This is of utmost importance! Without fake love for each other, there is no relationship left. Fake love is all you fuckers have. My motto is, “small details go a long way.” Leave an insecure/passive aggressive message disguised as a sweet note on your partner’s desk or inside his/her pockets or bag. Like I “love you :| ” or “I love you, LOL!!!” Shit like that, fuck with his head, the way he feebly tries to fuck with yours. Those things work, along with the evidence in the eventual divorce case that you at least made an effort. Many times, people lose perspective and they try so hard to forget why they got married in the first place: Insecurity, stupidity, and desperation. Who wants to remember that? And even though in some relationships, passion may dwindle, if there is still fake love, there is a base to continue being fake happy. Show you fake care; show you want to be fake close.
It could be worse
Sitting down to watch a TV show or a movie together is a good opportunity to feel that great chasm and distance that’s between the two of you. When my husband softly scratches my back, massages my shoulders, or when we simply hold hands my skin crawls, I know where that hand has been. That physical contact can be so repulsive its impressive but like the famous song goes “Don’t worry be happy.” When the flame of love dies, its better to just accept it and make the loveless relationship last until it just can’t anymore. OK if it wasn’t for TV and Xanax and alcohol I would cry myself to sleep but that’s not too bad. What’s more depressing than the reality of my shitty marriage is going online and reading all the ways I can make it better, to reignite the spark. That shit is depressing, really depressing.