WASHINGTON DC –
They say that every cloud has a silver lining, and it appears the beleaguered US Soccer Team might have found theirs after failing to qualify for the World Cup for the first time since 1986: a job in the White House.
Sources within the Trump Administration have confirmed that the US Soccer Team is being considered for a number of high level posts, including cabinet level positions.
What To Do Next
After losing to Trinidad & Tobego and finding themselves with a lot of free time on their hands, the team is open to ideas for what to do next. “We’re already looking ahead to the 2022 tournament and starting to plan for that, but it’s pretty far off,” said one of the trainers. “It’s hard for the lads to get up at 7AM and start working out knowing that it will take four years before the next qualifying round. So, this government thing might be a nice time filler for them.”
Making The List
Given the frequent turnover on Pennsylvania Avenue, the administration has begun keeping a short list of candidates available to jump in when a cabinet member resigns. “You never know when the President will insult someone at 2AM on Twitter and they are going to hand in their resignation letter the next morning,” said a White House staffer who agreed to speak off the record. “It’s happened more than once, believe me.”
“So, we have developed a list of individuals, ‘utility infielders’ if you will, that the President has pre-approved for any number of positions should they suddenly open up without warning.”
Some of the prospective candidates for working in the White House who would likely be available on short notice include: McCaulay Culkin, Meg Ryan, Ralph Maccio, Paula Deen, and the AOL Instant Messenger Team.
Secretary Of State A Possibility
For instance, should Rex Tillerson decide to step down after being publicly humiliated over and over again by his boss, the US Soccer Team would be ready to quickly step in and replace him.
“First of all, many of the players were born in other countries, so they have international roots. Between the 26 players on the team, they have a wide range of languages covered. They are also very experienced at working together in pressure situations. I think the US Soccer team could be an excellent fit for Secretary of State”, said the White House staffer.
To address the challenge of maintaining a clear and concise foreign policy with 26 different individuals holding the job, the team members could take turns speaking. “And actually, articulating 26 different policy positions for the US at the same time would greatly increase the likelihood that at least one of them would match what President Trump is advocating at any given moment.”
To make sure they are ready to go, the team is commencing Secretary of State training drills in workouts this week at Camp David.
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