This week’s tweets will at least make you feel SOMETHING.
I like to sit on my hand until it goes numb so it feels like someone else is liking my Instagram photos— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) July 12, 2016
Hollywood was 100% gonna remake Ghostbusters, would you really prefer Zac Efron & Jonah Hill going "fuckin Slimer got green cum on me bro"— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) July 10, 2016
Fuck an EGOT, I want a PENIS— joe mande (@JoeMande) July 15, 2016
(Pulitzer prize, Emmy, NAACP Image Award, Independent Spirit Award, & Stanley Cup)
HRC: I've just caught a Charmander, & he's going to help me "fire" up the economy— Harambean to bar (@McLeemz) July 14, 2016
TRUMP: I would own slaves if it were legal
I've seen Bruce Wayne's parents die in a movie more times than I've seen my parents kiss.— Daniel Ralston (@danielralston) March 29, 2016
So glad Netflix has dozens of British TV dramas available because I'm a big fan of all eleven UK actors.— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) July 14, 2016
This woman on my train looked thrilled to be taking this call. pic.twitter.com/1w8zvQZPs7— Gareth Dimelow (@gdimelow) July 13, 2016
I love how The Beatles are called "the most successful band in modern history" like they can't quite top that band from ancient history.— oni-on (@novixv) April 9, 2016
My resume is just a picture of me crying because I have no money— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) July 12, 2016
The inventor of the yo-yo has passed away. Repeated attempts to lower his casket aren't working. Plz send help it just keeps rolling back up— ibid (@ibid78) July 10, 2016
Trump's former show, the APPRENTICE, is an anagram of I TRAP PENCE.— Chris Miller (@chrizmillr) July 14, 2016
Figured out a way to save the franchise: pic.twitter.com/U6uTF4v49Y— Josh Brown (@JoshBrownJosh) July 15, 2016
There isn't a single scene from Dirty Dancing that I haven't reenacted with a taco.— (((Dire Beard))) (@dire_beard) May 6, 2016
“Tim, we’re doing the MVP photoshoot tomorrow. Please dress up.”— Zach Harper (@talkhoops) July 11, 2016
“No problem." pic.twitter.com/A9LZPApDY4
[God making trees]— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) July 14, 2016
God: "They're alive but not. Every now & then they drop food."
Angel: "I don't--"
God: "Also they breathe the opposite."
I hate myself but in the fun way where I still take selfies— Drew Monson (@mytoecold) June 28, 2016
All Lives Matter feels like a stranger showing up at someone's funeral & going "Hey guys, it's actually my birthday today, so could we not?"— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 9, 2016
"You can't put saltwater on your food!"— Eric Cunningham (@EricCunningham) July 14, 2016
"What if it's brown?"
- the story of soy sauce
She died doing what she hated, pretty much anything.— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) July 13, 2016
I don't mind talking to my exes as long as it's through a Ouija board— victoria (@theblowout) July 12, 2016
Therapist: let's look at why you feel like such a big dumb loser— David Hughes (@david8hughes) July 9, 2016
Me: I didn't say that
Therapist [looks at notes]: well one of us did
*record scratch*— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) July 10, 2016
Yup, that's me. You're probably wondering how I got into this mess. Well, pic.twitter.com/mqu6En1B5R
I bought an adult coloring book, but it's just a big circle on every page that you fill in with black to symbolize your insurmountable debt— Chimney Spotter (@chimneyspotter) July 5, 2016
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person's duck— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) July 11, 2016
Me, approving of something in a work email: "Ok perfect!"— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) July 8, 2016
Me, disapproving of something in a work email: "Ok, sounds good!"
One time I burped and it sounded like "babadook" and I couldn't sleep for 3 days because I was convinced he was coming to get me— Christine Sydelko (@csydelko) July 11, 2016
feels like we could save a lot of lives by getting rid of deathbeds if u ask me— chuuch (@ch000ch) July 14, 2016