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March 25, 2012

Yes, yes you are. Read on to find out why.


Yes, you fucking are. You clicked this link because you subconsciously know you are and want help. Your subconscious wants help, for fuck sakes.

Fuck off, you are not "taking things slow with her". Fuck. You. Has she ever compared you to a brother? Has she ever said you're her "best guyfriend"? Do you talk to her almost every night? Does she act in to you alone then immediately stop being physically flirty with you around others? Was there a rumor when you first met her that you two were dating, but you actually never were?

If you answered yes to more than three of those questions, you are friendzoned, my new internet friend. I bet the "be her friend and then fuck her" method sounded so good in your stupid, stupid, head. Well, guess what? That method has never worked ever. Like, in the history of time. What else has existed since the dawn of time? Friendzoning. Which have been, right now.

You're a nice guy, it's something you've always prided yourself on. You live a life of shelter and routine, you don't drink often, you've never done any hard drugs, and you're in general a nice person. That's great, people love nice guys, they just don't want to fuck them. See, most girls are nice girls, they are modest and nice and good people. Most girls are pretty much exactly like you. Problem is, girls don't want to fuck people who are exactly like them. So they date assholes, people who cheat on them and hit them, because that's scary and challenging and different. Or at least that's what popular culture tells us.

But they still like being friends with nice guys! Nice guys listen to them, and buy them things. And act as emotional blankets to cry on. That's what you are to her, someone to project emotions on and a shoulder to cry on. That's not a bad thing! It's just probably not what you wanted. Believe me, it's a bitchy thing girls do, but it's really not their fault. Unless they have led you on, fully aware you want them but not into you, but pretending to be so that you will buy them things and in general adore the very ground they walk on. That's also possible.

Actually, you should probably just assume that. Because now comes the painful part. Well, I guess the part was when you realized the girl you love is never, ever, ever going to fuck you ever. The part where you realized you just wasted 3-56 months on squat, that was probably the sad part. Oh, are you crying now? Pussy. Where was I? Oh, yes, breaking away. 

You're going to have to do this, you can't not. For the time being, seeing this person will just trigger sadness in you, and that's not good. You now have two options. You could ignore her, until she notices and/or gets jealous. If she does get jealous, there is a chance she might actually be into you. Maybe. Don't get your hopes up though, that shit only happens to attractive people. Second option? You be dumb and just go for broke. Explain your feelings fully, and prepare yourself for the most awkward conversation of your life. Seriously, even if it goes well it will be awkward as the time your parents walked in your room when you thought the door was locked. This method has a 0.1% chance of working, by the way.

Let's just assume you were smart and picked the first option. Let's also assume you are weak and went about two days at most before giving in to her text messages. You are very weak. At least you understand the situation you are in, you are her friend and nothing else ever. Realize you aren't going to get her, it's a shitty thing to accept (for a pussy like you at least), but it's necessary. Focus on her negative traits, list all the ways you are better than her. Because, and here's the fucking shocking thing, she really isn't as awesome as you think. You've put her on a pedestal, you idiot. Stop doing that.

Another fun thing you are going to have to deal with, her dating other people! Fantastic thought, isn't it! In fact, you should totally imagine her with other people, right now! Wasn't that fun? Yeah, imagine that in real life now. Here's a tiny secret, most girls actually don't date dicks. This was a myth invented by people friendzoned like you. No person she will ever date will not be a dick to you, and that's fine. You'll always going to find some tiny, tiny, things about this person to hate, and that's totally cool. You should think your better than him, because you probably are. Just don't be a colossal dick to him, it's not his fault. Unless he is an actual dick, then by all means go ahead and be mean to him.

In general though, distance is the best thing that can be recommended. You don't have to stop talking to her flat-out, although that could be good. Just stop talking to her so much. It'll make it all so much easier. Oh, dating other people would probably be a really good thing too.

So, let's review. Your love is one-sided and not going to go anywhere, so you should ignore her. But you, being a dumbass, are not going to do that and remain "friends" with her. That's fine, but you should at the very least distance yourself a bit. Realize she isn't as awesome as you thought, and hate her boyfriends for illogical reasons. Friendzoning sucks, but it'll be fine. Realize how pointless this whole situation is, and you'll be fine. Or, alternatively, next time you see her just kiss her and see what happens. It works in movies. Whatever the case, it'll be fine. Pussy.