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February 18, 2014

Suicide bombers - noble profession, lot of turnover so they pretty much always hiring, one day of work, early retirement. I decided to write a cover letter to the Al-Shabaab terrorist group in hopes of landing a job. Like all good cover letters, though, I lied about a few things to make myself seem more qualified.

412 Landmine Blvd.

Afghanistan, 18666


To whom it may concern:

My is Daniel Long and with my experience and education, I feel I am an excellent candidate for the suicide bomber position at Al-Shabaab.

I received my high school diploma from Columbine High school in Colorado. While at Columbine, I obtained leadership skills as I led the 1998-99 rifle team to a perfect 15-0 record (mostly forfeits) and a Class AAA State title as team captain.

Upon high school graduation, I enrolled at Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University, where I earned a Bachelor of Science degree in chemical engineering with a minor in explosive physics. While at Virginia Tech, I completed a firearm mechanics internship where I mentored under Seung-Hui Cho.

I was employed part-time at Walmart during my tenure at Virginia Tech, where I gained valuable experience in hating humanity.

I was also briefly employed as a cook at Stan’s BBQ, where I was frequently asked to cook pot roasts and struggled with the procedure. Therefore, I am well versed in blowing up pressure cookers.

I have a suitable moving van in my possession, hence, I will not need reimbursed for relocation, as I am aware it costs an arm and a leg, and a few chunks of skull to hire one of us.

If you choose to hire me, you will truly get the most bang out of you buck. I would be proud to work in the one profession that boasts about its high suicide rate.  

I can be reached any time via cell phone bomb or anthrax-filled letter. Thank you for your time and I look forwarding to hearing back from you.


Daniel Long