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Published February 18, 2014 More Info »
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Published February 18, 2014
412 Landmine Blvd. Afghanistan, 18666   To whom it may concern: My is Daniel Long and with my experience and education, I feel I am an excellent candidate for the suicide bomber position at Al-Shabaab. I received my high school diploma from Columbine High school in Colorado. While at Columbine, I obtained leadership skills as I led the 1998-99 rifle team to a perfect 15-0 record (mostly forfeits) and a Class AAA State title as team captain. Upon high school graduation, I enrolled at Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University, where I earned a Bachelor of Science degree in chemical engineering with a minor in explosive physics. While at Virginia Tech, I completed a firearm mechanics internship where I mentored under Seung-Hui Cho. I was employed part-time at Walmart during my tenure at Virginia Tech, where I gained valuable experience in hating humanity. I was also briefly employed as a cook at Stan’s BBQ, where I was frequently asked to cook pot roasts and struggled with the procedure. Therefore, I am well versed in blowing up pressure cookers. I have a suitable moving van in my possession, hence, I will not need reimbursed for relocation, as I am aware it costs an arm and a leg, and a few chunks of skull to hire one of us. If you choose to hire me, you will truly get the most bang out of you buck. I would be proud to work in the one profession that boasts about its high suicide rate.   I can be reached any time via cell phone bomb or anthrax-filled letter. Thank you for your time and I look forwarding to hearing back from you. Sincerely, Daniel Long