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July 24, 2012

Aaron Sorkin's "The Newsroom" is the best thing on TV since the Sliced Bread Network. Because it's so intellectual and way above you, read this handy guide to keep up.



Have you been watching Aaron Sorkin's new HBO series "The Newsroom"? It's on Sunday nights at 10 so there's no way you have plans then. You can definitely stay up that late even if you have work in the morning. Come on, what are you, a million? Grow a sack. 
It's also online. So there is no reason for you not to watch it. How have you not watched it yet? It's the most buzzed-about HBO show since "Girls" and the best non-vampire show since ever. Tell me where you live and we'll watch an episode together sometime. I don't care when. We're watching it. 
From Academy Award nominee, Emmy winner, and generally nice guy Aaron Sorkin comes his latest piece of genius. He wrote "The West Wing" (People walk hallways, talking about stuff), "The Social Network" (Kids at desks talk about stuff), and "Moneyball" (Brad Pitt talks, mothers salivate). Aaron Sorkin could write a show about 19th century quilting and I would watch the shit out of it. The verbal sparring matches are so incredible that by the end of it you will be turning into a masochist because you will be straight-up getting off on the sounds of rage and insults. The only way I can describe it is, it is like watching a tennis match if tennis matches were as awesome as this and were played in suits as opposed to white shorts. 
Jeff Daniels (From "Dumb and Dumber", isn't that wild?) stars as Will Macavoy, douchebag extraordinaire, who kicks off the series talking about how America is no longer the greatest country in the world anymore but how it could be. It would be if everyone was somewhat Aaron Sorkin-y, I think. Also there are some girls (not the same ones from HBO's "Girls", but you get the idea) that I have seen take their clothes off in movies. They don't in this show. You'd think they might. Considering the show is on after 10 p.m. On HBO. So it would make sense for them to. Just maybe not yet. Maybe in the season finale? I know what you're thinking, it takes place in a newsroom so it might be a tad unrealistic but it's actually a well-known fact that most newscasters spend 95% of their time in the studio not wearing pants. Or tops. Walter Cronkite (look me in the eye and tell me that he doesn't have the mustache for it) and Dan Rather (nickname Dan "I'd" Rather "Be Naked") included. If this show succumbs to having a Jeff Daniels nude scene, it would only be fair that the women oblige as well. It would actually be sexist if they didn't. It wouldn't be progress. It would be the opposite of progress. How as there not been a nude scene yet, seriously? I actually started watching it because I thought it was called "The Nudesroom". Well, that's not the only reason. But it was one. My friend told me it was called that. Then I realized his fairly thick Ukrainian accent made it sound like it was called "The Nudesroom". He isn't a good friend, though, just some guy I happen to know. 
The pilot episode chronicles the hours immediately following the BP oil spill. That blows my mind. I was alive when that happened. That was pretty recent in the scheme of things. Barack Obama was President when that happened. "Iron Man 2" was released already. The writing on this show is so freaking intense that the only way I can describe it is watching a sword-fight on top of a roller-coaster that wraps around a volcano. In space.
But despite that grandiose metaphor, the show actually does take place in our time, in our universe, so to watch the show you have to be very well-versed in current events. Don't phone it in either. Take two hours a day to read the news from various outlets. And just to prove you have done this, write a 750-word essay on the events of the day. Cite your sources. Just do this for me, or I will tell your wife how to retrieve Internet history. 
To gear myself up for Season 2, I'm going to start reading up on events that happened last year in advance. Did you know Charlie Sheen got fired from "Two and a Half Men"? There'll probably be a Season 3 episode about Linsanity as well. Wait, if there is a season that chronicles the events of 2012, maybe there will be an episode that depicts the time that you and I watched the first episode of "The Newsroom" together. When's that going to be, by the way? Who knows about Season 4 though because we all may be dead by then. Except Aaron Sorkin, whom I secretly think might be a cyborg. A Cyborg of Greatness, though.
On a copious amount of drugs. That's all I can say. Use Woodstock or Coachella as a benchmark, though the key here is as opposed to mellowing yourself out, jack yourself way up. You'll need a lot of caffeine or maybe some speed to keep up with the rapid-fire dialogue, which I can only describe as exciting as that moment when you're overdosing and John Travolta stabs a needle directly into your heart. 
Contrary to what any PSA may have told you, a little cocaine couldn't hurt as well.  
"But wait," you say. "Cocaine is illegal!" Which is so typical you. Just explain to any police officers who may catch you in possession, “It’s for that new Aaron Sorkin show". They would understand. They might even join you. 
Your nerves, as well as your hands, will be pretty jittery by this point so you should find something to occupy them. Something intellectual like a Sudoku or a Rubik's Cube or an abacus. All three if you can manage. That hour will fly by, just note that you will need to watch it two or three more times back-to-back to catch all the subtle nuances in Sorkin's writing, or else you're not a true fan. Come on, it's only 11 p.m., I normally don't go to bed until never. 
Assuming you haven't been immediately hospitalized and / or pronounced dead because you just couldn't handle that much Aaron Sorkin excitement, I will see you next Sunday at 10. At your place.