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April 02, 2017

The administration's bold move to alter rules on civil human behavior.

Making good on campaign promises, the Trump Administration took swift action this month to dismantle a gamut of regulations on modest human decency. Throughout his often-controversial campaign, Trump repeatedly accused ethical codes and red-tape instituted during the modern era of killing American fun and tipping the balance of global debauchery to overseas adversaries such as the Italians and 5th-century Huns. Trump has instead advocated for a freer system unhindered by moral restraints on the basest impulses of humanity, in order to promote his agenda for a new America and generally unleash the beast within. The Trump team’s message of brazen hedonism and unchecked vice propelled his campaign into the White House, and the President appears determined to follow through on his libertine revolution in D.C. now that Ivanka is comfortably settled in a New York City apartment.

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Specifically, President Trump signed a controversial executive order earlier this month that slashed longstanding regulations on verbal emissions. The order aggressively repealed basic standards of speech and other things you just shouldn’t come out of your mouth, including the mention of women as “pigs”, far-flung conspiracy theories, incestuous insinuations about one’s (totally doable) daughter, and all forms of locker room talk. While President George W. Bush modestly relaxed rules on verbal faux pas, no president has ever taken such ambitious steps to loosen the lips on America’s foulest verbiage. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer stated that the executive order was an easy and effective step in achieving cheap and independent libidinal energy for all creepy Americans. The order also unwound rules curbing methane emissions in the Oval Office during work hours.

More recently, the White House has vowed to roll back financial regulations set forth by previous presidents, including ethical no-no’s like building and patronizing multiple opulent golf courses while cutting meager funding for the arts and elderly. Citing the stagnant sales of second yachts and gold plating, as well as the troublingly deflated number of extravagant parties peddling foreign supermodel brides, the administration has promised to push back against the moral statutes that have suppressed the most wanton expenses. The order, if successful, would expressly empower the administration to buy Melania’s separate bed, as well as the all-around ostentation propping up the presidential ego like a spray-tanned elephant on chopsticks.While these changes have been heavily debated, most pundits agree it is a move to appease the substantial portion of American wealth in the 1%.

The proposed text insists that “these changes are in no way compensating for anything, hands or otherwise. I, the executive branch of the United States, guarantee you there’s no problem down there.” By discarding guidelines on financial profligacy that have long restrained the wealthiest egomaniacs, the proposed changes would overturn most basic principles on appropriate personal expenditures, and permit fiscal follies frowned upon since the decadence of the Jazz Age. Declaring bankruptcy for one’s unsustainable extravagance, of course, will remain untouched.

A wide array of activists have taken issue with Trump’s actions against morals that have been in place largely since the onset of the Christian era. Late in January, advocates of the national park system rallied online when Trump’s Administration designated “attractive women, Ivanka-like figures, a solid 7” to be federal land accessible to coal executives and other “big deals”. And early in February, spurred by a series of nightmares, there was a vocal outcry among 3 to 8 year-olds when changes to FCC guidelines allowed reruns of the Republican Primary Debates around bedtime. Many more were upset when Steve Bannon. (yeah just that.) The frickin’ pope has condemned the general sacrilege and overboard coveting, pointing out that it doesn’t require a thorough theological education to perceive that we really oughtn’t act this badly. Other groups such as the Society for Proportionate Hands, grandparents yelling at televisions, and people with a basic sense of right and wrong have leapt into the fray in response to these cutbacks on morality. However, pundits have questioned how these drastic alterations to fundamental propriety will mobilize, in Trump’s favor, new coalitions of sleezeballs, guys who hunt rhinoceroses for sport, creeps, Kanye West, playboys, people with accounts on the History channel website,various dandies, and Ferrari drivers.

Despite these unprecedented challenges to modest and decent comportment, the White House has insisted that it does not intend to dispose of certain useful moral regulations. As of press time, still prohibited are nasty women, Ted Cruz, ugly women or women over 40 who are annoying, unwaxed pompadours, the New York Times newspaper, “PWBCYLTR’s” (people whose birth certificate you’d like to read), facts opposing the agenda, facts in general, limp handshakes, and Rosie O'Donnell.