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June 29, 2015
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"Wait, is this funny? Can someone tell me if this is supposed to be funny?"

President Obama was heckled by an immigration activist during a speech about LGBT rights. It took a while for her to be escorted out. To understand what the hold up was, see below for the internal monologue of Obama’s secret service agent.


Being a secret service agent is the best…I love my job…scanning the crowd…everything looks safe…wait a minute _- a heckler! _

Okay, I’ve been trained for this. Time to remove her. Remove the threat! Wait, Obama is responding. Assessing threat level… waiting to step in. Hold up. “Not in my house?” Did Obama just say, “Not in my house?”

Ohhhh…Is this…a bit? Is Obama doing a bit? I mean, this feels funny, but I can’t tell.

Enough, time to remove this individual…wait, the crowd is loving this. Did Obama set this up as a prank? Ugh, my wife always says I have no sense of humor. I’m a secret service agent, not Billy Crystal!

“You’re not gonna get a good response from me by interrupting me like this.” Ok, ok. Context clues. That’s not really a joke per se, right? So not a bit. But wait- that’s a cool, off-the-cuff remark. And Obama’s a smart guy. Maybe he’s doing some of that really high-level Borat type humor where the joke is the fact that it’s realistic.

Sure, they train us on automatic weaponry, explosives, espionage- but did it ever cross anyone’s minds that maybe a little comedic sensitivity training would be good? It’s not like a ton of funny jokesters are getting recruited for the Service. I’m good at my job because I take everything too seriously, right? Like Putin- everything he says sounds sarcastic in that Russian accent, but I know better. But what if this is a bit, and I apprehend and remove the heckler, and literally everyone else in America understood the joke but me? Obama will think I’m a stick in the mud!

Look over at Jeff; is Jeff laughing? No, he’s stony-faced and scanning the crowd. Dammit he’s good at his job. But he could be laughing really hard on the inside. That one time we got a beer together he did tell me to “lighten up” and “relax once in awhile,” so who knows?

Okay, look at it this way. Obama’s going to be out of office soon, maybe this is his announcement that he’s going into stand up comedy. Not that I’ve ever been to a comedy show before, but I’m pretty sure stand ups have to deal with hecklers all the time, so that makes sense. Yep, you’re right, this has to be a bit. I’m just going to sit back relax and enjoy the…

Snap out of it, he just asked that the person be escorted out! Ok, not a bit! This is not a bit! Pushing my way through the people, wow this woman is loud, ok got her, almost out of the room…

“Generally I don’t mind a few hecklers, but not when I’m up in the House.” UP IN THE HOUSE?!?!??! Dammit, totally a bit. I should have known. That’s the last straw, I’m signing up for that improv class.

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