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November 23, 2015
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It might not save them, but it'll probably soothe them.

A northern white rhino at the San Diego Zoo had to be put down this week after poor recovery and deteriorating health from a hip surgery. She was 41 years old. That leaves three northern white rhinos left in the entire world. That means one thing and one thing only: an epic white rhino threesome to save rhino humanity. Rhinomanity?

Yes, that’s right. With the three remaining northern white rhinoceroses comes great responsibility and that responsibility is to fuck enough to save the race. Granted, biologists have all but confirmed that the extinction of their species will occur in the next 20 years, it’d be a damn shame if these three bad boys didn’t give it their all while they’re still here.

And aside from the moral obligations of fucking, why not just give it a go? We only have so many years on this planet why not spend some of them exploring the spectrum. That creed ought to double when the stakes aren’t just your life, but the existence of your entire species. Those last three rhinos should go all out, sexually. Do some real freaky shit that’ll confuse scientists who’ve been studying their sexual pathology. It gives “hit it and quit it” a whole new meaning when “hitting it” is an epic end-of-the-world , six-ton orgy and “quitting it” is going extinct.

Just imagine the pressure of being those last three rhinos. Geez-louise, how else are they gonna blow off steam if not a bestial romp, exploring their intimate fantasies with one another. And goddammit they’ll go out as heroes, maybe even mid-act. Imagine, dying while fucking to save an entire race. Beautiful. Hot. But mostly beautiful.

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