You may not like this week’s tweets very much right now, but you will always love them.
National Boyfriend Day has really gotten away from what St. Boyfriend was trying to teach us.— David Bluvband (@Bluvband) October 5, 2016
ugh my freaking 8th grade boyfriend is in charge of facebook trending topics again pic.twitter.com/rcFji1FcKA— mary houlihan (@maryhoulie) October 7, 2016
Love is finding an emergency contact you can have sex with— Megan Amram (@meganamram) September 30, 2016
"Please, tell me more about your spinning class." pic.twitter.com/lg4WV5lndt— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) October 6, 2016
Life isn't even THAT MUCH like a highway.— Dave Shumka (@daveshumka) October 3, 2016
They're called "The Doors" because that's what everybody starts heading for when you start playing them.— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) October 6, 2016
midnight... the witching hour... the safest time for me to admit i don't like the new radiohead song— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) October 6, 2016
Sometimes I write down words that rhyme and mail them to my favorite rappers because I care about them I don't want them ever to get stuck— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) October 5, 2016
i don't normally get tongue-tied around celebs but oh my god!!!!! pic.twitter.com/TubtZgXiy1— monica heisey (@monicaheisey) October 4, 2016
"Baby, I love you as much as the Pasadena Weekly film critic loves the movies currently in theaters." pic.twitter.com/tU1Giwl5xY— Alex Scordelis (@alexscordelis) October 3, 2016
HBO: before you pitch, just remember we love nudes— Adam Conover (@adamconover) October 5, 2016
WESTWORLD SHOWRUNNER: what if I told you ... there was a whole WAREHOUSE of nudes
Everyone knows horses are just fuckable cows.— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) October 1, 2016
Ok but why do I look like the fucking ride pic.twitter.com/lhbwNPpn6F— Christine Sydelko (@csydelko) October 3, 2016
"What will it take to show the world he is unfit to be president?"— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) October 6, 2016
Moderator: favorite Disney film?
Hillary: The Lion King
Trump at Ellis Island: deport, wife, deport, deport, wife, deport, deport, can stay if she loses 30lbs, deport, give to my sons to hunt— Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) October 1, 2016
"Governor Pence, last week Donald Trump said-"— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) October 5, 2016
"Um. OK? Well yesterday he said-"
"Sir you can't just-"
You've heard of the Irish goodbye well this is an Italian goodbye (kissing either side of the asshole and then saying ciao into it)— extremely online guy (@nickmullen) October 2, 2016
My mom reminded me that when I was a teenager I rollerbladed to my therapy appointments, if that wasn't a cry for help, I don't know what is— Sarah (@thetigersez) October 6, 2016
I have a lightsaber next to my bed just in case someone ever breaks in, I can make them feel sorry for me.— Nick or Tweet (@NickBossRoss) October 3, 2016
The little Incognito Tab Guy can't look me in the eye anymore.— J-Boo-4Realz (@JB4Realz) May 26, 2016
The weatherman said it's nice outside. I guess they don't let him watch the rest of the news.— Piece (@Piecezilla) June 17, 2015
*my house gets blown down by a hurricane*— trojanspiced (@trojansauce) October 5, 2016
ME: I HAD A SANDWICH IN THERE
there's gotta be a better way to say this pic.twitter.com/7C5FMgV5R5— phil matarese (@philorphilip) October 6, 2016
I blame Pokemon Go for this clown epidemic. Too many people leaving their homes and doing fantasy stuff outside. Keep that stuff private.— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) October 6, 2016
Wow, this picture of creepy clowns near the woods is absolutely terrifying pic.twitter.com/BzQHKDufjL— Blood? Blood. (@mynameisntdave) October 6, 2016
(staring clown in the eyes) i think you look better without make-up— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) October 6, 2016