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May 13, 2015
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Uber To Offer Fancy Helicopter Service For Fancy Film Festival

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Unless you have never been outside or watched TV or stood in a long sweaty non-FastPass line for a roller coaster, you know that the rich live a much different life than the rest of us. And that goes doubly for events that are made almost exclusively for the rich and famous.

The Cannes Film Festival is one of the fanciest and richest and famousest events in the world every year and apparently it can take up to an hour to get there from the nearest airport. So Uber is now making seven-minute helicopter flights available as an alternative. The helicopter flights will cost about $180 and can fit up to four people. It doesn’t say how many gigantic bottles of champagne or full freshly caught lobsters it can fit, though.

While you might think that a helicopter taxi service just to avoid an hour-long drive might be a bit decadent, that is really just one of the many luxuries afforded to the super-rich, super-famous Cannes goer. I got my hands on the itinerary for one of the biggest celebrities at this year’s Cannes, Robert Pattinson, to give you an idea of just how extravagant time spent at Cannes can be.


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6 a.m.: *Certified* Strongman, Glen, gently lifts Robert out of bed, making sure not to rustle him from slumber, places him over his shoulder and walks him up into the private plane that is waiting for him down the street.

6:30a.m.: Flight from Hollywood, California, to Nice, France, on supersonic fast jet that only people who star in movies know about.

7 a.m.: Touch down in Nice while still fast asleep and being held by Glen, who will absorb any turbulence or jarring during the take-off, flight, and landing.

7:15 a.m.: Order Uber Helicopter.

7:20 a.m.: Get call from Uber Helicopter pilot saying he is here but he doesn’t see you.

7:21 a.m.: Tell Uber Helicopter pilot that Glen is tall and wearing a red hat.

7:24 a.m.: Uber Helicopter pilot says he is by a park bench (wtf? There’s like 20 park benches around this freakin’ helipad.

7:25 a.m.: Uber Helicopter pilot explains he is in a black Ford Explorer Helicopter.

7:27 a.m.: After finally locating Uber Helicopter, Glen (with Robert on shoulder, still sleeping) takes off toward Cannes.

7:34 a.m.: Arrive in Cannes

7:36 a.m.: Arrive in 6-Star hotel located underground in secret city (password at door is: “Me Love Cash”)

7:45 a.m.: Glen softly lays Robert back down on hotel bed and Robert sleeps in complete peace and quiet until his body naturally wakes up.

Approx. 2 p.m.: Robert wakes up and is fed pancakes and fruit smoothies from still-lying-down position.

5 p.m.: Robert wakes up from nap and gets dressed.

5:30 p.m.: First screening of Robert’s short, Waiting or Broken.

6:30 p.m.: Gold Party sponsored by Verizon. *Be ready to get completely covered in gold.*

8 p.m.: Drinks with Spielberg

9 p.m.: Second screening of Robert’s short, Waiting or Broken followed by audience Q & A. *Glen will stand behind Robert making threatening gestures at question askers.

Approx. 10 p.m.: Robert falls asleep wherever he happens to be and Glen softly hoists him over his shoulder and orders Uber Helicopter. Helicopter pilot will remember you from before and call Glen “Red Hat.”

Midnight: Touchdown in Hollywood, California. Robert still fast asleep in Glen’s sturdy but soft arms.

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