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August 08, 2017
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Oh, yeah, you think you're so smart, huh? You're pretty sure you are enough of a ~90's~ kid to identify these classic SpongeBob characters, punk? Well, prepare to be humbled by anomic aphasia.

Hey fuck-o. So, you think your some kind of a model ~90’s~ kid, do you? I’d be willing to bet that you are in your twenties and reading this from your parent’s basement. I’m serious, I will mail you $25 cash if you can prove to me that you do not fit that description. That’s right, you think you’ve got it all figured out. You think you’re so smart, huh? Well listen here, dicknose. Think you have the attention span to take a little test, punk? If you’re so damn smart, then you’ll easily be able to identify these classic characters from the Nickelodeon show ‘SpongeBob.“ Prepare to be humbled by anomic aphasia.

Character #1

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Answer: Mrs. Puff

Ha! You think this thing has even started yet, fartbrain? You dumb, cocky, son of a bitch. My editors made me put that easy one in because they knew you would get it right and keep reading. They told me, “don’t make the first character too hard” because you fucking snowflakes wouldn’t be able to handle rejection. Well, get ready to get a taste of the real world, you sack of shit.

Character #2

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Answer: Gary The Snail

Oh yeah, great. So you got Gary right. Whoop-de-freakin-do. Gary is one of the most recognizable characters of all time. If you didn’t get Gary, I would be seriously concerned for you. Enjoy this microscopic victory, you spineless coward.

Character #3

Patrick_Star.png

Answer: Patrick Star

Have this participation trophy, assclown. It doesn’t get much easier than SpongeBob’s best friend. You probably think you are hot shit right now. “Ha ha, this character name’s quiz is so easy” you say as you walk around your mom and dad’s kitchen like hot shit. Buckle-up, dipstick, because this next one might “trigger” you. Get your therapy blanket ready, hot shit guy.

Character #4

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Answer: Mermaid Man

I hate you. I hate you because you think that getting these right makes you special. BREAKING NEWS: You are not special and you do not deserve anything. I’m breaking out the wallet again. If you get this next character right, I will pay you another $25 in cash. If you can somehow make your brain work for even a second and guess this next character’s name correctly, I will Venmo you twenty-five big ones tonight.

Character #5

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Answer: Sandy Cheeks

Yeah yeah yeah. Duh. So you got Sandy right. Enjoy your $25 that you actually had to earn, you entitled buttslug. Actually, how about this. Double or nothing. If you get this next character, I’ll go to the post office right now, buy a fuckton of stamps, and mail you $50 in cold hard cash. If you get it wrong, you’re back to being a dumb broke millennial. Good? Deal. Good luck.

Character #6

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Answer: Plankton

I fucking hate you. I fucking hate you so much. Everyone knows Plankton, and even then you just got lucky. Well your luck just ran out, dumbfuck. I’m willing to write you a check right this second for $1,000 if you can get this next guy right. You are about to be humbled by the fact that you, in reality, actually don’t know shit about SpongeBob or life or being a good son/daughter.

Character #7

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Answer: Squidward Tentacles

No. No fucking way you got that one. No fucking way you knew Squidward. There is absolutely no way in hell you were able to look at that image and pull up the name of that character. Cheating bastard. Nice going, you just lost yourself $1,050. Let this be a lesson on cheating and shortcuts, you lazy brat.

Character #8

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Answer: Larry the Lobster

Oh my goodness. You should see your dumb fucking face right now. “Wait, but…that’s….I don’t know that one.” Well looks like I was right, you don’t know everything. Wait. WHAT? You knew that? How. How did you know his name? HOW THE HELL DID YOU REMEMBER THAT CHARACTER? Actually, I don’t even care because I know your luck stops here.

It must hurt, having your safe-space obliterated. I’m so confident that you are so “shook” by this quiz, that you will not get this next question right. I’m willing to bet you an additional $3,000 on top of the $1,050 that you lost from cheating earlier. I guarantee that you are so weak-minded that you will not be able to even guess this next character’s name.

Character #9

(careful not to get tripped up on this one)

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Answer: SpongeBob Squarepants

GOD DAMMIT. NO. NO FUCKING WAY.

No, I’m not mad. You can take that $4,050 and shove it. I don’t need it because I am rich with real life experience.

Character #10

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Answer: Eugene H. Krabs

HA! YOU LOSE, LOSER! I bet you’re saying “but I said Mr. Crabs.” Well, idiot, that is not his name. This character’s name is “Eugene H. Krabs.” I bet right now you’re kicking and screaming “that’s not fair!” I know! The thing is, life’s not fair. But, sure, I feel bad about toppling your preconceptions of how the world works. So, I will give you one thing as a consolation prize.

This: here is what you have won!

Now you know you don’t have what it takes to handle yourself on here. Well ~90’s kid~ get ready for the coup de grĂ¢ce. The final test that you will unavoidably fail. Sure, you have shown that you know a thing or two about the characters from the show ‘SpongeBob’ and you have taken some money from me along the way. But I’m giving you one final chance…it’s time for The Big Deal.

I am taking $12,850 (twelve thousand eight hundred and fifty dollars) out of my credit union, as we speak, and putting it in a PO box somewhere in the country. I’m so confident that you will not know this next SpongeBob character that I am willing to give you that money in that PO box if you can correctly identify this last character. Giving you a grand total of $16,900 in winnings.

Final Character

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Answer: Pearl Krabs

Fuck. You got it. You knew this character. The money is all yours. Below is the PO box info. Take it. I am financially ruined.

SpongeBob Quiz Winner
P.O. BOX 3243
Lancaster, PA 17065

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