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May 25, 2017

"Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that I exist. But come on, you DIDN’T pull out? Are you kidding me?"

Hey Dad,

I am reaching out to bring a simple message: thank you for not pulling out. Your generosity of sowing the literally seed of my future does not go unappreciated.

While the credit of my manifestation sways heavily to Mom on this one, you not pulling out was an effort that years of exposure to sex-related memes have taught me is a ridiculous conclusion to a sexual experience.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that I exist. But come on, you DIDN’T pull out? Are you kidding me? You did know you were rolling the reproductive dice on this one, right? Do you know how much kids cost to raise? On top of how annoying they can be from ages 9-17? Like, I know the face of a newborn baby is adorable and all, but Pinterest stock photos don’t tell the whole story. Also, Accutane will turn that once adorable child into a walking ghost.

Also, babies SHIT themselves. And guess who has to clean that shit up? You do. Yeah, I guess there’s a rotation you and Mom go off of, but you’re still in the starting line up. Wouldn’t being an uncle who gets to experience the fun parts of child raising be much better?

Again, I’m not saying you shouldn’t have pulled out, because then I’d be in the vacuous state of oblivion. I’m just trying to see what was so appealing.

For example, adjusting for inflation, the average cost of raising a child, according to Time Magazine’s report, is $233,000. That’s a Lamborghini plus $30,000 in change. You could of called the Lamborghini “baby” as well.

To repeat, I’m not saying you should’ve pulled out….

….But like, would I pull out? Of fucking course. You think I want a little version of me around taking all my money and shitting it’s pants?

Answer: No.

On top of that, the cost of college tuition is up the wazoo. If the mindset was that I would be a living, breathing “return on investment,” then I can understand that. But you probably should’ve forced me into a Real Estate degree or something lucrative instead of pandering to my so-called “hopes and dreams.” Tack that onto the $233,000 and you’re probably looking at two Lamborghinis.

Come to think of it, Kurt Cobain died right around the time you didn’t pull out. How were you in the mood for sexy time? I wasn’t even alive and it still keeps me up at night. Have you listened to In Utero? It’s a great album.

In conclusion, I have no fucking clue why you didn’t pull out. That’s some batshit rationale. The ghosts of your two Lamborghinis are spinning in their graves.

But nevertheless, I am thankful you didn’t pull out. If you’re ever in the area, there’s always a couch in my living room with your name on it.

With Regards,

Spermatozoid B-525

(Colloquially known as Jack)