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September 18, 2017

A beeping keychain is louder than a truck and zip ties are a great way to hold a gate together. 14 of the most ridiculous things from last night's 'Fear The Walking Dead'

1) Strand’s Beeping Keychain That’s Somehow Louder Than A Massive Truck

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Rooooooooooad triiiiiip! What an extremely chill journey of awkward silence punctuated by Strand unnecessarily talking in riddles when asked simple questions pertaining to where the hell they are going.

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Hold the truck up.

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“I’ve got just the thing.”

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“Nailed it.”

Seriously? First of all, what even is that? Just a keychain that beeps? OK, I am willing to accept that maybe Strand carries around a tiny keychain that beeps (I’m not willing to accept this by the way) but HOW THE SHIT IS IT LOUDER THAN THE MASSIVE TRUCK THEY ARE DRIVING? All the zombies just turn their heads and bail on the truck to investigate this beeping. I’m glad they’re spending money on cool aerial shots of moving vehicles, but maybe buy a couple of sandwiches and have a writers meeting every once in a while to avoid shit like this.

2) Strand Tying The Gate Closed With A Chain

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I didn’t go to any fancy chain college and I never claimed to have a degree in tying knots, but twisting a chain three times and blowing on it for good luck does not strike me as a foolproof way to secure this gate.

3) If There’s Strand Below, We’re All Gonna Go

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I don’t blame Taqa for being skeptical about this. If only there was some kind of time, perhaps while driving in a car, for Strand to explain his plan before descending into smelly darkness. Oh, well! No time to talk now! Just climb on in to what will almost certainly be your death.

4) Madison’s Pep Talk That Strand Isn’t Lost

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Love that Madison tries to tell Strand he isn’t lost when they’re wandering around the sewer, very much lost, being chased by zombies. I appreciate a good pep talk as much as the next guy, but sometimes you need to accept reality and call your losses. If you drop a meatball sub on the ground, don’t take a knee and tell your sandwich it’s actually clean and still good to eat. That’s how people get hurt.

5) Sewer Zombie

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Gee whiz, all this crawling around a McDonald’s Play Place from hell with flashlights swirling sure is giving me a headache. Oh, look:SEWER ZOMBIE! Hey, speaking of headaches, how about a HATCHET TO YOUR BRAIN, BRO.

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Madison is the Mayor of Hatchet Town. Population: One giant dude getting chopped the fuck up. Glad you cut his head off! Now hold it up so he can look behind his fat ass and tell you what’s back there. The sound effects and general blood fountain of it all was extremely gross here and also disgusting. I should stop eating dinner while I watch this show. Fool me one, shame on you. Fool me thirty seven times in a row on a Sunday night, shame on me.

6) Here’s The Dam Deal

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The look of shock and confusion on Madison’s face is definitely one of a pretty white woman who has just been denied a free drink for the first time in her life.

7) Strand’s Hawaiian Shirt Laundry Priorities

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Strand hanging up his Hawaiian shirt really sells his narrative that he still understands the importance of having fun in the zombie apocalypse. But maybe he’s having TOO much fun? If you have a favorite Hawaiian shirt in the zombie apocalypse, I’m going to go ahead and suggest you are having entirely too much fun.

8) Madison’s Midnight Pep Talk To Murder Mexican Strangers

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Madison goes two for two on killer pep talks telling this woman she just met that it’s time to mow down the local villagers with assault rifles. RICK. GRIMES. VIBES. FOR SURE. I have to agree with her on the argument of saving children versus cities. These kids could still be saved! The city on the other hand is somewhere near Detroit and Detroit in Robocop on the likelihood it will be saved list. Detroit in Robocop is higher up on that list, btw.

9) Strand Is Pretending To Be A Doctor Again

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There’s not a lot to zombie do these days. Your options are limited to kicking rocks, staring at the sun, and pretending you’re a doctor. It’s a rich tradition onthis show as well as the other zombie show I also watch on the same channel at the same time just during different parts of the year. The only thing better than Strand’s doctoring is this RICH AND WONDERFUL conversation! Do I listen to the man who decides he’s a doctor like my cousin decides she’s vegan twice a year or do I listen to the drunk using his flask like a laser pointer for all his good ideas? Decisions decisions!

10) Taqa Meets His Girlfriend’s Dad

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This was certainly an awkward lunch. Here’s a general rule of thumb when you meet your girlfriend’s dad: Don’t let him know you helped her murder innocents and also let him know you’re his daughter’s boyfriend. Taqa goes zero for two on this one, better luck next lunch.

11) Salazar Knows A Little Too Much About Breaking Into Dams And Hanging People

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“First they’ll attack us in the streets! Then they’ll march in over there, by that gate, at 3:45pm on Tuesday! But not before they have hot dogs and carrot sticks for lunch! Then they’ll hang us from the dam in descending order of height! But they’ll do it naked, because no use in wasting perfectly good shoes and pants on a dead person!” DANIEL, SOMETHING TELLS ME YOU HAVE BROKEN INTO A DAM TO HANG PEOPLE BEFORE.

12) Daniel Singing “Down With The Water Queen” As He Walked Away Was Very Subtle

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Great stuff, Salzy. Very subtle. Like that time you peeled a soldier’s arm off with a dull razor blade.

13) Zip Tying This Gate Together Should Do The Trick

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The gate just exploded off of its hinges and dozens of pissed off villagers re approaching! QUICK! Better zip tie this gate back together. Yeah! That’ll keep us safe. Just as long as nobody in that crowd has a Swiss Army knife, half a scissor, or any teeth.

14) Taqa Walk On The Smile Side

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Taqa was literally on a revenge march through the desert to shove a hunting knife in your kids’ brains, but now it’s all smiles and good vibes! Rooooooooad trrrriiiiiiiiiip part two: Look who’s road tripping now! Weirdly happy ending, but that’s life sometimes! Sometimes life gives you a weirdly happy conclusion to a story only to certainly horrify and disgust you nex time. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! Will the folks at the ranch instantly deplete their new water supply? Gretchen’s weed crops are thirsty, they’re all any of us have to remember her by! Will Nick cover himself in blood? It’s been two whole episodes, it’s going to happen before the opening credits. Will Salazar have a tearful reunion with Ophelia? They’ve got a lot of catching up about murder to do! None of this and more on S03E12 of Fear The Walking Dead!