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December 22, 2015

Turns out all this year's best beards were goats' beards, but here they are anyway.

After scouring the Earth for over 300 days, we have confidently selected the 10 individuals with the greatest beards in all the world.

Coming in at #10 is….


\#10 Beard of 2015

A goat! Holy shit. We found this goat standing in front of a white screen, and we loved the classic goatee making love to his chin. This goat’s beard is as confident and wise as the goat himself.

The #9 beard of 2015 is:


\#9 Beard of 2015

Another goat! This one with a real horse tail of a goatee, my oh my. The slant to the side, the dark tips - this goat’s so emo-punk he could front Good Charlotte tomorrow and no one would be the wiser.

The #8 beard of 2015 is:


\#8 Beard of 2015

Holy shit yet another goat! One look in the eyes tells you this goat knows that yeti’s paw of a goatee he’s growing is sexy as hell in a thong.

And now, here it is, #7:


\#7 Beard of 2015

Four goats in a row? If this were poker, and goats were kings, who knows what I’d have! Anyway, this goat looks like he ripped the hair out of Chewbacca’s armpit.

The #6 beard of 2015 is:


\#6 Beard of 2015

You got to be kidding me. Another goat? Also, this is a pretty standard goatee for my tastes, but the other 247 judges disagreed with me, calling it a “perfect tugger.”

And now, the #5 beard of 2015 is:


\#5 Beard of 2015

Wow-ee zow-ee, it’s a real goat party! And look at this beaut, too - looks like somebody ordered “The Rachel” on their last trip to the goat salon.

Here it is, #4 beard of 2015:


\#4 Beard of 2015

Well lift my skirt and fuck me against a barn at dawn, it’s another goat! This little stoner’s got a chin-dangler with more twists than a mile-long Twizzler.

And now, the #3 beard of all time if time were only a year long:


\#3 Beard of 2015

A goat!! I wouldn’t have guessed that one, not that time. But who’s to argue with a beard that makes the goat look like he’s got half the state of Florida hanging on?

The #2 beard of 2015 is:


\#2 Beard of 2015

WHOA. I’d say we got another goat on our hands, but this guy looks more like a god of wisdom with two beards. Two beards that look like they themselves have their own white beards. Beards with beards - who can possibly beat that?

Well, we’re about to find out. Here she is, the #1 beard of 2015:


\#1 Beard of 2015!

I mean there’s no arguing with this. This goat has the front of a canoe stapled to his jaw. That looks like the honeymoon suite bed for a couple of mice. Seriously, he could pierce a watermelon with that thing.