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Published October 21, 2010

In the spring of 2010, Digital Lizard’s own Keith Evans was incarcerated. Through written letters in envelopes stamped “INDIGENT MAIL” and sporadic 15 minute phone calls, DLP mastermind Michael Goodpaster has kept in touch with the actor, writer, musician, standup comedian, and loving father.

This interview was planned to be released on 10/5(Keith’s Birthday), but we did not take into account the rather slow mail process. Nevertheless, here are fifteen questions with Keith Evans about how jail life really is and what his plans are upon release.

1. Hear any good jokes lately?
Well actually there’s that one that almost every temporary bad ass tells. Something about all the pricey icey things they “own” (i.e. whips, rims, jewelry, flat screens) and all the “balling” they were doing in the streets, meanwhile they have $250 bonds they conveniently can’t afford to pay. Ha-Ha, get it? Me neither.
2. Is jail anything like you see in the movies or on TV?
Only in the way where most of the inmates here act like they wonder the same thing. In my opinion, jail is like 24 hour detention with every annoying ass clown you attended school with continuously acting out that short 15 seconds in Dangerous Minds right before Michelle Pfeiffer walks in for her first day… if that makes any sense. It’s really loud and theatrical also.
3. Is the common male fear of “dropping the soap” really something to worry about in LCJ?
It is, but from a totally different aspect. The jail is so filthy and dirty and the urban legend of MRSA is so rampant, there’s been times I dropped my soap and screamed “Noooo!!!” Otherwise, the showers aren’t locker room or bath house style so if someone wants to risk a staph infection in their own ass just to jump inside a one man shower and tap THIS…? By all means, it’s almost flattering.
4. Your choice: Favorite meal or be able to watch your favorite movie, which and what would that pick be?
Wow, so many pros & cons with both. I’d have to say movie, as long as the stips include a theater screen and Alanis Morrisette giving e that “cinematic blowjob” she’s bragged about all these years. I’d have to pick Almost Famous. I literally watched Fight Club two weeks ago and it’d be nice to feel emotions again.
5. Have you considered starting an all inmate football team to take on the guards like in “The Longest Yard”?
I was just talking about that, with the realization that till they put me in the hole, I was Chris Rock’s “care taker” character.
6. What is one fact about jail that would surprise those who have not been “in the clinker”?
There’s no black guy with dreads in a wheel chair narrating your every move.
7. In.gov tells us in their FAQ that it currently costs an average of $52.61 per DAY to keep an adult inmate incarcerated. How much has tax payers chipped into to keep you behind bars? How would you rather spend this money?
Let’s see, upon my October 18th release I will have served 132 days. So that’s $6,944.52. REALLY?!? Do you know much drugging and drunk driving I can do in one night…? Oh wait, so $6,944.52 times two is?
8. What Prince song is jail most like?
Since jail is shitty and the only thing I can equate from shitty and Prince is Graffiti Bridge, I’d have to say a Tevin Campbell song.
9. What is the scariest part of jail life?
In retrospect, it’s being absent from my daughter and how that might affect her. That and the idea of being classified to the 4th flood (the mental health section).
10. If you could be “bunk mates” with anyone in the world who would it be? Male and Female.
Hmmm… male would have to be Dwight Schrute for his resourcefulness, random survival tactics and no nonsense conversation. Female might have to be Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton just because I’d like to see one of those bitches do some time for once.
11. What’s your entertainment in jail? What’s the TV situation, books, games, etc?
First off, nothing’s more entertaining than watching and listening to the first few phone calls of a brand new inmate. It’s like a smorgasbord of emotions from one extreme to another all within an allotted 15 minutes. The one minute ones are to die for. As far as TV goes, the go to shows for inmates are generally COPS, First 38, and Maury. Recently LCJ lost cable, and strangely enough, they’ve flocked to the ION channel. You don’t wanna come between a thug and his Ghost Whisperer. Any books found are read. While most play Spades, I enjoy Rummy and Hearts. Unfortunately Duck, Duck, Goose has been banned by the warden.
12. What movies do you people need to not talk about around you because still need to see them?
There’s not really a problem in that department. Most movies “they” like, I would surely pass on. Sorry, but Janky Promoters does not interest me. It’s still a “mystery” to most how I saw Inception it’s opening weekend when I was incarcerated way before. Explaining its premise and plot to most inmates is still a fun challenge I enjoy.
13. Outside of seeing your daughter, what’s the first thing you think about doing once you’re released?
Since I can’t smoke weed until December (Merry Christmas Me), I’d have to say it’s a tossup between getting back into the DLP/stand-up comedy groove and taking a night or two to get completely shit faced. As far as a selfish act I’d want to do (because getting drunk is always more enjoyable for you guys, lol) maybe jacking off. I look forward to that a lot.
14. What is your biggest fear that’s changed since going in? A Planet of the Apes take over? Gas Prices? What?
It’d be nice to say “Amy’s perception of me”, but that would mean her changing it to a “good” perception… so; I’d have to say Kayla’s behavioral patterns. I don’t fear her NOT loving e or anything, but 132 days of none of my influence and extra influence from the enemy camp scares me a little. Then again, once an Evans always an Evans.
15. Top 3 short term goals/Top 3 long term goals once released.
Short term #1. Get back rolling with all DLP projects help up by my absence. #2. Once again put my foot in the job market’s ass and get some bills/debt paid. #3. Maybe find a former sex partner and get crazy. Long term #1. Maximize my abilities in regards to being a father, an actor, a blocker, and a comedian. #2. Improve my life choices and net worth for the betterment of Kayla Jade Evans & Digital Lizard Productions. #3. Maybe find a woman who loves me for me, find me hilarious, completely enjoys me cunalingus/coitus game then ruin her for any other chances of romance, then maybe marry her in Vegas and annul it at the Cathouse in Reno… only if we’re talking long term though.